The Last Meatball

It was August of 2010 and I was scheduled for my first Plastic Surgery to remove extra skin. I have lost so much weight that of course I look deflated and there are plenty of rolls. My body is now the smaller version of an FA’s dream body. The big butt and thighs will stay with me forever. I had to check into the hospital by 5am. We drove in separate cars because on check out I was going home to recover. My medical care is very important to me so I had to be close to my Doctors. I live a few hours away from the hospital so staying with Kat was the logical thing to do. We were tired but she kept me laughing so that I was calm. I wasn’t afraid to have surgery anymore. I was excited to have this 30 pounds of skin removed. Everything was going well. I am admitted, prepped in pre-op, given IV drugs to relax, spoken to both Doctors and the Anesthesiologist. We are set, Kat say good by and off I go to surgery.

As they are taking me to surgery they noticed something wrong with my blood work. Since I have Lupus it showed a  Lupus Anticoagulant in my blood. This can cause one of two things, you can get a blood clot or you can bleed out. The surgery was now on hold and I was going to be sent home. I had no way to get home. Since I was given narcotics they cant let you leave. I was told they would have to report it to the police and I would be charged with a DUI. The nurse calls Kat and tells her what happened and that she needed to come back and pick me up. She flipped out and I could hear her yelling at the nurse. I got on the phone and tried to calm her down. She was half way home so she picked up a friend so they could drive my truck back to her house. They kept missing each other and she ran into her walking along the side of the highway is what I was told by Kat. The nurse looked at me and said pray for her she needs to find Jesus. I laughed out loud because she doesn’t even believe in prayer. She used to tell me it was like begging. The power of prayer has kept me alive this long so I will roll with it.

They arrived at the hospital to pick me up. The nurse rolled me out in a wheelchair then Kat exchanged words with the nurse and not nice ones. She was hostile because she had been up since 4am. Note so was I. She was stuck in traffic and got lost looking for our friend. Of course that was also my fault. I cried the entire car ride home. I would expect my BFF to be there for me. This surgery was so important to me and now I had to go see a blood specialist to get this figured out. We get back to the house and there she starts. It was my fault she had to get up. It was my fault that there was an accident on the freeway. It was my fault our friend wasn’t in the spot she was told to meet Kat. It was my fault I didn’t have surgery and I wasted her entire day. I was told never again will I take you to the hospital. I am still out of it from the drugs so I am really emotional. I walk away and she goes upstairs. I had not eaten in a day so I was hungry. We had a left over meatball with some mashed potatoes. Jen, one of her domestic slaves AKA a freeloader and a looser was in the kitchen. I never liked Jen and she always rubbed me the wrong way. She said “that’s my meatball”. I said “last I checked Jen you have no job and you don’t buy any food in this house”. I heat up the last meatball as she goes up stairs to cry to Kat. I hear stomp stomp stomp, it was her I am pissed off stomp as she comes down stairs.

Let the yelling and screaming begin over the last fucking meatball. No concern for me at all and what I had just been through at the hospital. Not one ounce of compassion that something may seriously be wrong with me so they are sending me to a blood specialist. Not one ounce of compassion that I had my heart broken because I had worked and waited years to loose enough to have this Pannus removed AKA semi tummy tuck. Shame on me for fucking up her day and for eating the last meatball that I paid for anyway. Shame on me for eating the last of the mashed potatoes that I peeled and cooked the day before.  I was then accused of just wanting to go to the hospital to get shot up with drugs. I was in shock, then I lost it. I have no idea all of the things I yelled and screamed at Jen and Kat. I felt like I was in the middle of being  punked. The hurt and anger I felt that day will never leave me. I will never forget that day. It was traumatic for me to be treated so badly by my BFF. If it isn’t what Kat wants, then she doesn’t care. I learned that day things were moving onto a whole new level of emotional abuse and anger all focused towards me or anyone that didn’t kiss her ass. I am not nor will I ever be a kiss ass. I will stick up for myself till my last breath.

A couple months go by and I get the go ahead to have surgery. I drove myself and my family came with me. My brother and his wife met me there at 5am and drove an hour just to meet me there. My parents drove almost two hours to pick me up. I am so blessed to have a strong family that will always be there for me. Kathleen was once a part of my family but not anymore. If I ever went back they would kidnap me and have some sort of an intervention…lol. They love me and I love them. I am not sure if I will ever have another BFF. I know for sure I will never be in any kind of relationship that involves any kind of abuse. None at all. If you don’t have my back and I cant trust you then we don’t need to hang out ever. When the fight was over I ate the meatball in front of Jen, just because I could. Then I went to bed. Stress is not good for my heart or Lupus. 

MoMo Out!

Just A Sneak Peek Into What’s To Come

There Is Pain Yet No Gain? Really!!

What would life be like without pain? As a child any little thing that I was afraid of was a form of pain. Fear causes more pain than people realize. Are you so afraid of pain that you would never love again? In my case I would have to ask myself, have I really ever been that deeply in love? I am not sure, since the love of my life died when I was only 23 from Cancer. I have had the pain of loss when he died and two other men in my life died. Does that make me a black widow? You decide. Is the pain of past loves so deep I may never trust again? Yes. I can’t be sure if I have ever given any man 100% of my heart or trust. In the back of my mind I am always waiting for them to lie, cheat, steal, sleep with my friend. Who the hell knows, my mind can run wild. I have met some crazy men throughout my adult life. I have been told some of the most entertaining lies by men.

People have asked me what it was like being married. It was full of heartache and pain. Marriage was completely over rated IMO. I know as a young woman we all dream about getting married, having kids, the house, the dog and the white picket fence. I never had those dreams. I remember one day in elementary school they asked what I wanted to be when I grow up. I said I wanted to be the CEO of my own company and build an empire. I was nine and always had some sort of job. Baby sitting, a lemon aid stand, selling jolly rancher sticks at school for 25 cents even though I only paid 10 cents. My mind has always worked that way. I understand men more than they understand themselves at times. I think like a man in many ways. I understand their bullshit. I understand why they tell the lies. I understand why they cheat. Do I think any of that is cool? Hell No!!! I just call them on their bullshit as it happens then we are done. Why waste time on a relationship that is a dead end. Get out, run as fast as you can. Life is way to short.

There has to be consequences for their actions. If you let a man treat you like a door mat then he will surely walk all over you. Some women have no self worth at all like FiFi who slept with my ex one week after we broke up. One day I was just fed up with the lies and the bullshit and I said no more. I'd rather be single than deal with the drama. I currently have a restraining order that is good for the next five years because my last boyfriend wants to kill me. Men can snap on a dime, but never fuck with MoMo. I have no idea why he thought he could lie, cheat, steal and use me and I would say it’s cool baby just use me. Some people seem to believe that I over reacted. I would have to beg to differ. My life is very important and the lives of my family members. If you call and leave me messages saying I am going to kill you and take the time to text me and email the threats, I am going to protect myself. It is a lot of hard work to get the police to help you, but I never quit. He received 35 days on the first violation but only spent 4 days in jail. I would have to say if he was black he would still be in jail. On two of the reports they just assumed he was Black just because I am. Now some poor guy named Black Derek will get arrested and get 7-10 years instead of white Derek. Free black Derek!!

Never in my life will I let a man cause me any more pain. Over the years there has been plenty of pain. I am not one of those women that will say, but I love him. I would be the one to say Fuck him put him in the cell with someone bigger than him so he can become his bitch. That would be kind of hard though since Derek is 6’6”. He has height but those buff guys in jail could take him lol. I am done with the pain. I want it gone and out of my life. I want love and light for myself. However long I have left on this earth, I will forever speak out about all of the abuse from Derek Peter. My former BFF told me not to put anything about it on the internet. Did I listen? Hell No!! More women need to tell, the silence is how we end up dead. Know your own self worth and ditch the wrong men. I walked away and didn’t look back, maybe that’s why he snapped. Who knows but I will be happy when he is in jail for good. Maybe then I can sleep at night. One thing I know for sure is love shouldn’t hurt. The video is just a sample of tons of insane voice mails he has left me. This from a man who said he loved me, Liar! Does anyone still think I over reacted? If you're wondering where I met him you can see from the photo. 

MoMo Out!

Warning this clip is graphic and verbally violent.

  

The Egg Mcmuffin

It was New Years day 2011. Kathleen had a big party at the club the night before. The entire entourage along with a few extra people spent the night at the house. Everyone was drinking heavily the night before. We had a wild and crazy New Years Eve. The next morning one of our friends had to leave and didn’t have a ride back to the club to pick up their car. I woke up to give them a ride back. Hung over and all I get up, get dressed and drive them back to the club. I wasn’t feeling well of course so my first priority was to get back and go back to bed. I knew Morgan was awake when I left so on the way back I stopped and got her one Egg Mcmuffin. I handed her the bag, chatted with her and the other girls were just waking up. The other girls were hungry so they left to get more food. I went upstairs, spoke to Kat for a few minutes then went back to bed. I told her I was hung over and didn’t feel like cooking for everyone so I got food for Morgan and the other women went to get their own food.

I didn’t feel responsible to take care of everyone that spent the night. Kathleen asked me if I got her food as well. I told her no because she was on one of her not eating more than 500 calories a day because she hates herself diets. I told her I didn’t even get one for myself. She then asked if FiFi picked up food for her. I said I had no idea and went back to bed. Before I could lay down in bed I hear yelling and screaming. Then I hear stomp stomp up the stairs, with all wood floors it makes noise. My bedroom door was almost kicked open. She charged in my room yelling at me because she didn’t get an Egg Mcmuffin. I told her I only got one for Morgan then was headed back to sleep. FiFi went on the other food run and there was extra but we have friends that like to eat so they ate.

I went down stairs as she locked herself in her bedroom still yelling and screaming. Once downstairs the other women told me she threw the bottle of coffee creamer across the room at them. She yelled and screamed “I do everything for everyone.” “I take care of all of you by taking you to my club with me, be glad you’re in the entourage”. Then she screamed for everyone to get out of the house. I went back to bed by now I was use to the tantrums. The other women were all in shock and didn’t know what to do or say. One by one they all went up to her room and told her how sorry they were then vowed to never let it happen again. Kathleen played the victim in the Mcmuffin caper. I of course didn’t get her one because I knew she wouldn’t eat it anyway. Food rots because she likes to keep it around but if she is in starvation mode it really rots to the point of mold. It ends up in the trash anyway so why waste my money. It was me me me me, I am the victim, my friends don’t care enough about me because I didn’t get an Egg Mcmuffin that I wasn’t going to eat anyway.

Don’t think for one minute we all didn’t hear about the Egg Mcmuffin day after day, everyday at some point in the day for weeks. It got so bad I woke up early one day about a month later just to get her 2 Mcmuffins. I left the bag on the kitchen counter next to the coffee machine with a note that said, “May we never speak of this again.” How long can someone bitch about a Mcmuffin? Weeks, days, months, hours a day the story would come up. She would tell us all every weekend while drunk don’t think I will ever forget how you all forgot about me. The drama was endless, I was exhausted and very unhappy being there. I look back and it makes me sad that my BFF had turned into such and ugly, mean, vindictive person. I was trapped in hell and I didn’t even get an Egg Mcmuffin. After that FiFi and Laura all started kissing her ass and bringing her a coffee drink when they came over to hang out. They never showed up empty handed after that tantrum and are still afraid of her wrath.

MoMo out!

Patient: Monique Jurgen

According to my medical insurance I am a medical record number such as 123456. I was recently accused of lying about my heart condition. I have no idea why anyone would lie about being ill. I sure as hell wish I could turn back the clock and be 27 all over again. That was when I discovered I have Congestive Heart Failure. CHF turned into Cardiomyopathy and so on and so on with one illness after another. Granted it didn’t help that I weighed over 500 pounds most of my adult life until I had Gastric Bypass surgery in March of 2005. Here is a sneak peak into my medical record from my last appointment with my Cardiologist.

Member name: Monique M Jurgen
Gender Female
Primary care physician: LEE MD
Date printed: 1/25/2012

Past visit information

General information

What: Office Visit with  TEGET MD

When: Friday January 06, 2012 2:30 PM

Where: CARDIOLOGY

Diagnosis:

Hypertension
VENTRICULAR TACHYCARDIA, PAROXYSMAL
CARDIOMYOPATHY (DISEASE OF HEART MUSCLE)
CHRONIC KIDNEY DISEASE, Stage 2
Secondary Pulmonary Htn
LEFT BUNDLE BRANCH BLOCK
PRESENCE OF CARDIAC DEFIBRILLATOR
HISTORY OF BARIATRIC SURGERY
 
My heart is broken in more ways than one. The only way to fix it is to get a heart transplant. Even though I have lost 300 pounds it still isn’t enough. I did regain 35% of my heart function. I went from 10% up to 45% as of last year. I will know my new numbers next month. Lets not forget my lung function is down to 38% since last summer. I will need a new heart, kidney and lungs sooner than later. They wont put me on the transplant list because I am still considered morbidly obese. Do I let it get me down? Sometimes. Then I look at my family and remember why I am here. They keep me going and give me the strength to keep living no matter how hard my life can be. I know one or more of my illnesses will kill me. Am I afraid to die? No, I died 3 times and for some reason God needs me here. I won’t argue with him. Everyday for me is a gift not a promise. This is just from one doctor. If I posted everything that was wrong with me you would cry. It has made me cry more than once. I have done everything I can do to help myself. I take my meds, I eat healthy, I exercise when my feet let me use them. Some days my feet wont let me walk. I would not wish illness on anyone. I have no reason to lie about being ill. Like I said everything I post here I can back it up. If you want to hear all about my bone on bone knees that need to be replaced or that fact that I have Systemic Lupus or that my right ankle has been crushed by my former weight and I need several surgeries just Holla. My medical record is now an open book. My medical record speaks for itself. I don’t need to prove I am sick. I just have the strength to keep going and a family who has my back every step of the way. If anyone would like to take all of the 18 pills I take each day and some of them are twice a day just have at it. One bottle was not in the photo. Without those pills I would die. I joked in therapy that I can’t even kill myself the Pacemaker will shock me back to life…lol. I am sure that isn’t funny to most but it is to me. If I don’t laugh at this stuff depression would take over and I wont live that way. I will live it up till the very end. I am going to live, travel, laugh, love, and enjoy the rest of my life. I recommend all of you start living your life to the fullest. Don’t let fear take over and keep you trapped inside your home and not living. Smell the roses once in a while they are lovely. Next month I have to do a test that will take four hours to complete so they can find the blockage. Wish me luck. Till then I will keep living and so should everyone else.
 
 

MoMo out!

Morgan here is my reply to your post.

Morgan is the white text and my responses are in red. You get your own post because it was too long for the comment box where you left it at first. I also didn’t feel the need to fix your typo's I left it as you wrote it and posted it.
Huh, I didn't delete it. Anyway, I should be thanking you. In the midst of my response to your message doing your best to embarass me, I questioned your productivity, asked why weren't you doing something more positive and uplifting with your blog instead of bashing any and everyone around kat? But this morning it hit me, Why did I even bother responding to your negativity? I have no doubt that you may have actually been telling the truth about kat saying whatever about feeding me, not liking having the (2) beautiful amazon(s) in her section (even though I (we) were invited, and she did have an attitude that I found to be unfair when she got all butt hurt bout the boy toy she was ignoring dancing with me. I can't believe that any one of my friends would think that I would stoop so low as to take a guy from them but that was the implication behind her actions. Now as to me choosing sides, I never did.
My Blog post had nothing to do with you and I was not trying to embarrass you. I was not talking about you or referring to you as a loser or a freeloader. You may feel my Blog is negative but you are surly entitled to think what ever you want. My Blog is about me and things that have happened in my life. It is clear as crystal you choose a side.
 
Once you popped off at the mouth to me for trying to help when you stuck that dumbass pic of derrick up on here with the word "douchebag" across it, by telling you that you were opening yourself up to a lawsuit for defamation of character, you basically acted like I just said or implied that you shouldn't call him a douchebag. Have I ever said that he wasn't a douchebag or prick for the way that things went down? No. But hey since you want to bring up old shit, lets go back, shall we? A lot of behavior that I had seen from you in the last couple years were what added to the inevitable end to our friendship.
 
LOL you must be kidding me. You are so lost here and I can see Kathleen feeding you half of this bullshit you are going to say below. You have bits and pieces of stories from Kathleen. There are always three sides to every story. Her side, my side and the truth. You are out of your element on most of what you wrote. She is trying to distract the energy from her and turn it onto you. It won’t work, I am standing my ground on everything I have said on my Blog. Everything you just spewed is hear say.
 
For example, shortly before the blow up between you, kat, derrick, and ronny, kat's step brother passed on. YOU told me you had been driving kat back and forth to the hospital to visit him. YOU said you were there as the man lay dying in bed, even went as far as to tell me that you held his hand as he took his last dying breaths!! It took kat asking you days later in front of me, for you to admit that you had been in the waiting room with kat when the man ha passed on. Who lies about something like that? Who sits there and tells another person that they were lending love and support when it turns out they weren't anywhere near the situation? Apparently you do.
 
Yet again Kat feeding you more lies. The day her brother inlaw passed away I drove her to the hospital. Was in the room and held the mans hand and said my good by. The family was there and of course very upset. Kat went outside to smoke and I went with her. While we were outside he passed away. Why would I lie to you about anything. I wrote his wife a letter a few weeks after he was in the hospital because I was sick so I couldn’t go visit him. Yet again Kat made this about her by playing the victim with you about this drama.
 
Lets go back a lil further to the shawn saga. You played up this big huge romantic relationship between the two of you, telling me how you had met his aunt, how he would like to get married in the future, and if you wanted kids. You two were supposedly going out doing the do and all that, come to find out he only took you on ONE DATE! But you two were in this big huge love affair though right? C'mon son!
 
I can’t have kids nor have I ever wanted kids. I have no idea about his aunt and I am not going to talk about this with you because it is off the subject and it has nothing to do with him.
 
Okay one more and then we'll move to another topic. The german dude. Can't remember what his name was but that was another love affair between the two of you, you told me that he couldn't take the stress of you dying on him (you claimed your heart stopped a few times before the pacemaker was put in) so he went back to germany. Come to find out he was only here on a 6 month visa. Really? Mo I don't get it, why lie?

Yet again my ex boyfriend has nothing to do with this topic and you are bringing up a relationship that ended in 2008. Really? LOL Yet again for the record I did not lie and yet again I can see Kat telling you these things to bring up. Why would I lie about my heart stopping? Yet again off topic and don’t worry I am going to Blog about when I died.

But then if I was a guy and had seen how bratty and diva-ish you'd behaved that night I was with Ripley when we came to smoke you out at the hotel, I'd a ran and never looked back too. I could go on and on about the married guy from florida, the cutie pie from san diego, the dude from the vegas bash you complained about in a drunken stupor in front of everyone at a party, and yes derrick the guy you KNEW was bipolar and had issues but you moved in to the house after 3 weeks of a relationship.
 
I am not sure who the married guy is in Florida. You might be referring to my trip to Florida in 2003 with my ex who turned out to be married so it ended. I know about SD and Vegas. Derek was only suppose to be there a few days and it kept getting extended by Kat not me. It was her house remember that point. If she didn’t want him there he wouldn’t be there. It is very clear she wanted him there since she moved him out of our room into her office the day we broke up. Damn I wish you weren’t Kats puppet.
 
Now with all that being said, where was I? Being begged to come over to hang out on the weekends, begged to walk around the club with you so you could do your lil bit of window shopping, getting dirty looks from you because rather then sit at the bar and drink all night I chose to get up, dance, and socialize. What you are also forgetting is that I was also the one to drive you home on nights when you got sick, ask anyone at bfl that remembers you whose name you were screeching from the bathroom with your pants round your ankles, hell I even took care of some of your drunken boos at the club! But hey, you would like a thank you for paving the way for me to be in the "section". Thank you mo, if not for you begging kat to be cool I would've had to cut my partying down to once a month so I could get a hotel- or split a room with one of the many friends I have made since I started going to bfl, and probably would've had someone to go out and do something with sunday afternoons instead of waiting around for you. Thanks. Really.
 
You’re welcome, but don’t act like I haven’t taken care of you when you were drunk and cleaned up your puke. Do you really see Kathleen cleaning up your puke at 3am? I can say No to that one. You were a good friend to me and took care of me many drunken nights home from the BFL over the past couple years. Don’t make it seem like it was every Saturday. I was gone for 8 months recovering from surgery that I had December 3, 2010 and the photos on the BFL site prove that. You can’t take care of me if I am not there and you aren’t there. You act like you went every weekend. I was lucky if I got you to come out once a month. Notice I did not deny the drunken night in the bathroom of the BFL. It happened and you took me home end of that story. But if you feel the need to rub it in go ahead. Thanks for being a friend that night, but since we are no longer friends of course you will throw it back in my face. I don’t date Boo’s I like my men Vanilla same flavor you like. You must have it mixed up with one of Kat’s Boo’s.
 
You say the woman talks about everybody behind their back but are guilty of the same thing. I've heard things said bout people on saturday nights I haven't even met yet but when I do, I am sure that whatever negativity I remember hearing from BOTH of you about the person will be playing in the back of my head. Now with regards to me telling you to get over whatever you claim kat and derrick did. I was done with you long before that and according to your tired lil blog you have already handled the situation.
Do I believe all the rumors I was told? No. Do I believe he needs mental help? Yes. Do I believe that you were the completely innocent party in this? No. Do I believe that it was okay for derrick to threaten to kill you? No. Do I believe you would overexaggerate the situation to the police/sheriffs/judge in order to get your way (restraining order/jail time)? Yes. The situation with kat is pretty simple. Whatever proof you have about her owing money- take her to court over it. Nuff said.
 
The Judge, Sheriff and the DA would not file a case if they had no evidence. I can’t fake a voice mail from his phone saying I am going to kill you. I can’t fake emails or text messages from him. It is all real and since you were a woman in an abusive relationship I would think you would have some compassion. I see you’re one of those women who would let a man abuse them and say don’t put him in jail I love him. I however am not one of those women. Derek will pay for his crimes. He has already done time for the first charge. Three more cases to go. All I did was provide the evidence to protect me and my family. Yes, he also wants to kill my family. Ask Kat about the note and the receipt for the icepick he left in her mailbox.
 
I had an ex (yes ripley) that behaved the same way that you are describing kat. Oh it was all well and good at first, but soon the criticism kicked in, the nagging bout what I ate, how I dressed, how I did my hair, every lil thing he could find to nit pick about-he did. I saw my family less and less, even my high school friends missed me, but I sacrificed (stupidly) to show my love for this person. When we would go out, I wouldn't talk, but people would come over and start talking to me, but for some odd reason he must've hated when anyone showed me attention because he would come over and try to draw the attention/conversation right back to himself. When all was finally said and done he waited until I left for vietnam to do my own thing, and sent in the 30 day notice on the apartment we lived in together, then we I came back he lied and said the sheriffs were bangin on our door not long after I left on my trip. Ripley has since texted, talked shit on me, and told me how much he has missed me in a message on myspace, but I haven't bothered to respond because I don't care. I have no desire to go back to the hurt, pain, and mental abuse. I tell you this because I shut the door on that part of my life for good-which was in fact what I was trying to get you to do before the crap with the restraining orders and bills came out. But hey don't mind me. Continue to tell yourself you're not spreading feelings of hatred, anger, and bitterness through your blog by bringing up old shit. You are right, our friendship was over long ago and I still have no desire whatsoever to renew it. I am not bothering to respond to whatever lame "kat said this about you" blog you will put up about me in response to this legnthy comment, cause you're really just not worth it in the end. I am simply moving on and closing the door on you.
 
I am so glad you have decided to close your door because mine closed a long time ago. I still have nothing but love for you and truly wish you a full recovery. What is most important in your life right now is your health. You’re letting Kat get you involved in something that has nothing to do with you. You are the one that really needs to let it go and forget about me since you hate me now anyway. Don’t waste your energy on me or Kathleen save it for Chemotherapy.

 
Oh I forgot! My reason for thanking you, is because while I was wondering why you weren't doing something more positive with your blog, I became inspired to start my own blog. Nope, I won't stoop so low as to get into blog wars so we can bash each other back and forth but I thought basically blogging about my journey through my illness may help some people. But anyway, none of that really matters to you, just wanted to say thanks for the inspiration! Still wish you some inner peace girl.
 
I wish you a full recover, good health, long life, happiness, love and light all for you Morgan. I mean it with all my heart but I know you think I am a liar. This is our last convo and I hope you live a long time with good health. I have found my peace and it is sharing with people on my Blog. Good by Morgan. Everyone else don’t be fooled by the distractions. I am not a liar and have proof of everything I have said and am going to say. Stay focused and you will see the whole truth. I am just getting started and I can take the backdraft of heat. Bring it on!!!!

It’s Getting Hot In Here

If you can’t take the heat get the hell out of my kitchen. That’s all me saying that. Not my Mom or Grandma saying it “Me” MoMo!!! I guess my Blog post yesterday rubbed some people the wrong way. Do I really give a shit? NOPE, I truly don’t care who has their feathers all ruffled. This is the beauty of freedom of speech. You may not like what I have to say, but no one is forcing you at gun point to click on the link to read my Blog.

Of course Morgan has her panties in a knot because she seems to think I said she was a freeloader/loser. I never mentioned her name until I responded to her post yesterday. If I was in her situation I would be in bed resting from my surgery and trying to focus on a full recovery. Instead of trying to get well she is on line making herself all upset. I guess Morgan you think you’re a freeloader. I can’t help how you feel about yourself and this Blog has nothing to do with you at all. I am very clear in my posts who I am referring to. This Blog is about me and events that have taken place in my life. I have nothing to defend to anyone. People are pissed because the truth hurts.

I am not at war with anyone. I don’t believe in war, but I will defend myself when you intend to inflict harm onto me. Kathleen has done so many cruel and hateful things it would take a decade to tell the world everything. I know that Kathleen is putting a bug in your ear right now, because she won’t respond to anything I am saying. Morgan don’t let her use you as her voice because I will not argue with you. The night we ended our friendship, I said to you I was done and that you had made your choice as far as I was concerned. You picked a side now just stay on your side. When you came to stay for the weekends you were our guest. When I invite a friend over I know that I will cook for them and make sure they are happy while they are there.

The freeloaders I was referring to were all of the domestic slaves that Kathleen takes into her home off the streets. In all the years I have known Kathleen there have been many live in domestic slaves. Let’s not forget Jen, who was at her beckon call 24/7. All of these people were adults who were homeless, jobless and she made the grass look green on her side. Ronnie the crack head who was living in Oxnard under the freeway and was fresh out of jail, that was a total freeloader. If you live for free in a persons home to me that = a freeloader. A guest does not = a freeloader. Bringing strangers to live in your home isn’t safe. Just because Ronnie was her foster child twenty years ago doesn’t mean he wouldn’t turn out to be a serial killer. I had no say who she let stay there but I still had to pay my half of everything. How would you like to get a $500.00 electric bill because the Divine one doesn’t want to sweat ever? Then she says you have to pay half even though we have 5 adults living in the same home. I guess in the slavery days the slaves didn’t have to pay rent but they worked their ass off picking that cotton.

Long story short Kathleen if you have something to say don’t use others to say it for you. I know you have read my Blog. You and I both know what I have said is all true. I welcome any comments and I will post them. Next time Kathleen don’t have someone reply to my Blog posts calling me a stupid bitch in the first sentence. You should already know I am not going to post verbal abuse. I love a good debate and I will have the last word here. Welcome to my world, where the rules are all mine and I get to think about what’s best for me and only me. If anyone thinks I will stop writing you must have gone mad, seek medical help ASAP. I will not be the victim of Kathleen’s or a victim of Derek’s every again. Besides the fact that the BFL is one big fucking boring “Lounge” not a night Club in any way the entire reason people don’t come back is because of Kathleen. Their hostess is a mean bitch to anyone who is seen with me. What ever happened to customer service? My friends have paid you $10.00 to tell them they have to choose between you or me. WTF are we 12 again? If it wasn’t true you surly wouldn’t give a shit. Why would anyone pay you to abuse them? We all know some people are kinky like that, but that’s not how I roll.

This is not the Enquirer, this is my life. How ever long I have left on this earth I will spend it doing what makes me happy. Right now even though I am in bed still sick writing this Blog is making me happy. I feel like a slave that has been set free, given a hot bath, hot meal, new shoes, new clothes, new home and the cherry on the top would be a new job. Freedom is one of the best things in the world. As soon as Kathleen pays me what she owes me I will forget all about her like a bad dream. It is very clear to me that she is keeping me in financial bondage. If you think you will get away with not paying me back you are crazy. The only reason I haven’t taken you to court is because I still cared but that ship has sailed. I have had the papers on my desk for a few months waiting for you to come to an agreement. So far I have been unable to reach Kathleen for over a month and did not receive her payment that was due on 1-16-12 for $100.00. I have exhausted all avenues and will soon be forced to take her to court. I am more than willing to work out an agreement but Kathleen has no intention of paying me back. The moment Kathleen read my Blog I received an email saying call me. You know my number and the phone works both ways. Do the math on this one as she makes the minimum payment each month, how long will it take her to pay this off? This is only one of the cards. I have good credit she has no credit. Is she trying to mess up my credit, yes she is. I will let you all know if she makes this payment due on the first. I have given her full access to log in and make all of the payments herself. I will no longer be the one clicking pay bill anymore. I am really tired of working the collections department.

Dear MONIQUE,

This Account Alert is a notification that your statement is now available online. Log into www.MyTravelocityRewards.com to view your
statement or schedule an online payment.


Minimum Payment Due: $107.72
Payment Due Date: 02/01/2012
Ending balance as of your last statement: $4131.26

You can make a payment for free, safely and securely online. Just
log in and select PAY CREDIT CARD. Online payments made before 7pm ET will be credited to your account on that same day.


MoMo out!!

Team MoMo or Team Kitty Kat?

To blog or not to blog was your question. I vote yes I am going to blog. If you believe that anything that I posted in my blog was about you then you feel guilty for something. Not one comment in my blog has been about you till now. I am the one who stood up for you when Kathleen talked mad shit about you. I am the one that got her to lay off with the bullshit of not wanting the “amazon” in her section. That is what she use to say about you and Sandy when you would come to the club. Kat said she didn’t like how tall you both are. Even though it has the label of a Size Acceptance Club. Let’s not forget the night you danced with a man she liked, just one dance and she flipped out. You are not a looser or a freeloader IMO. Your so called friend Kathleen that makes you breakfast on Sunday afternoon but talks shit about how much she has to feed you behind your back is what you need to worry about. The truth hurts and everything I have posted is the truth. If for some reason you feel the need to wish me not well then that’s on you not me. You were my friend first then you choose a side. You made that choice not me. I will never wish for anything bad to happen to you. I hope you make a full recovery and live a long happy healthy life. I will always have love in my heart for you, but our friendship is long over. For some reason you seem to believe what I am doing is wrong. I have no idea why you think it is ok for my former BFF to use me and for FiFi to have sex with Derek. Is it ok that she owes me a ton of money and left me stuck with the bills? I would have to say judging from your reaction that you seem to think it is all cool what they did to me. You are the one that told me I was over reacting to all of this. I guess I was also over reacting when the judge issued a 5 year restraining order on Derek after I played the voicemail where he said he is going to kill me. I guess the Sheriff was over reacting when they arrested him the day after Thanksgiving for stalking me. I also guess the judge was over reacting when he sentenced him to 35 days. The Sheriff must surly be over reacting with the three open cases they still have on Derek. I guess all of the evidence I provided them with was surly me also over reacting. I guess I just like to live in the past and dig up old shit that people who were suppose to have my back were stabbing me in it at the same time. The good friend is always the last to know when she is being fucked over due to her trust she had in her circle. We had good times and I thank you for the friendship we once had. I will never forget you but I can’t worry about how you feel about my blog. I wish you love and light as Kat always says.

MoMo out!

One Night Out

Last night it was girls night out. I over pack as always. I had three bags for an over night trip. I will not even defend that, it is what it is. I like to have choices when it comes to going out. I like to feel sexy when I get dressed to go out and party. That all means you need a bag for shoes, a bag for clothes and a bag with the Vodka and mixers for cocktail hour before we hit the club. I know I can be a Diva but at least I am a Diva who carries her own luggage into my hotel room. Club Bounce was packed full with some really HOT men last night. At one point the line to get in was all men. It was a sight to behold all of that sexy man meat in the room. I love the fact that I can go to Bounce and I don’t have anyone bitching at me for talking to a man. My former BFF would always come up to me when I was at her club talking to a man and tell me he had already hit on her earlier. This would happen all the time just because it was her club. Her rule at her club is and I quote, “I get the first pick of any man I want because its my club!”. I heard that line most Saturday nights for the last 2 years. Going to the BFL became a chore and was no longer fun. Every single time I met a hot guy which is rare at the BFL, Kathleen would try and cock block me and any other women's man she wanted..

Lets face it look at the photos the guys aren’t hot at the BFL. It was rare that a hot one came in and if Kathleen saw him first she would demand that one of us in the entourage bring him over. I loved it when they saw the real her and stone cold rejected her. Your last name may be Divine but let’s face it you will be 50 in March and not every guy thinks you’re hot. Not every guy goes to your club just because they saw a photo of you on your website. Then again you are that vain so you do believe that. Could the real truth be that they come there to maybe meet someone other than you? I would have to say yes and not every man wants an older Diva that has tantrums like a three year old when she doesn’t get her way. Not every man can afford to buy you gifts just to be able to hang out with you. I wonder if there has ever been a man in your life that you didn’t use for money and gifts? I have met almost all of your lovers, one night stands, boyfriends and boy toys over the last decade. I can say I feel sorry for them. You get them then you break them down. There is nothing worse than a broken man, so sad.

I just so happened to run into one of your former lovers last night. Thank goodness he was able to see your game and got out before you became part of his monthly bills. The first thing he said to me was that he heard I had moved out. Then he told me that you were not my BFF. He felt so bad for me because he didn’t know me well enough to tell me how badly you were talking behind my back and also using me. He was such a nice guy and I was so glad when you stopped seeing him he didn’t deserve to be treated like a trick. No matter what you do the truth will come out. Don’t you find it strange that everyone I run into is telling me something low down and dirty that you did to me behind my back. I wouldn’t be shocked if the night you fixed up my ex the Douche bag and FiFi that you either watched or joined in. I have no proof of it yet but I am sure you were involved beyond just taking photos of them and hooking them up. When you drink vodka and red bull you are an evil drunk anything is possible. I felt so free last night and had so much fun with my friends and your ex. Life is so much better without you in it. I can’t believe I put up with all of your bullshit for so many years. I just keep hearing MLK saying “Free at last, thank god almighty I am free at last”!!!

You can knock me down but I will get back up. You may have used me but you’re the one who lost the best friend you have ever had. Karma is a bigger bitch than you or I and it is coming to get you lol. Thank you Lisa for being a wonderful hostess and the staff who rocks the music, makes the drinks and security that is sober and protecting us as we have fun. Unlike Mark at the BFL who drinks a case of beer each Saturday night as he is doing security. I am not sure how that works, but I am sure it is against the law for security to be drunk on the job. I hope everyone has a safe and fun night no matter which club they choose to go to. Just remember if you hang out with me and go back to BFL you are paying Kathleen $10.00 so she can tell you she hates you now for going to Bounce and being seen with me. That my friends is a true story and I have friends who can tell you that it has happened to them. Every time you piss off a customer you loose money. You will never learn that it can’t always be your way or the highway.

MoMo out…

A Knife Named Dell

In November of 2010 I purchased a new Laptop from Dell. It had been five years since my last computer purchase. In December of 2010 Kathleen asked me if she could order a Laptop for herself on my account. Since she was my BFF I said sure I know you will make the payments. I trust you and her computer was on it’s last leg. I was so excited when my new Laptop showed up. I was given six months no interest as long as it was paid in that time period. Kathleen, being the Diva she is had to order a Laptop that was more than twice the price of mine. She said to me, my club is doing great and I can pay it off in chunks. I set my own payment plan and divided up my balance over the six month period. In the six months that I was making my payments Kathleen made two $100.00 payments. After everything that went down with us this is just another knife used in the back stabbing. 


I was stuck paying for her Laptop which was a total of $1800.00. A few weeks go by and the bill is due. She did not respond to my calls. Text messages or emails. I was stuck.  The computer was in my name and on my account. I reported it stolen so they could freeze the Laptop because it has Lo Jack on it. I asked her on July 31, 2011 to sign an IOU in front of the police in her driveway. She knew I was coming over and she also knew I was bringing an agreement for her to sign. She avoided it at all costs. The excuses were a mile long. She got pissed and said I am not taking on your credit card debt. I was hot, exhausted, and tired of fighting with her as the cops went back and forth trying to get her to either sign the paper or give me the Laptop back. Kathleen lied to the police and told them that the Laptop was not in the house. Where else would the Laptop be? It may have been across the street hiding at her nephews house. Maybe it was up the Douche Bags ass, no one knows.


I had no choice so I was stuck paying for the Laptop. About a month later Kathleen mailed me back the Laptop. She used it for 7 month and only paid $200.00 dollars the entire time. Tonight I made the last payment thanks to my Dad. Now it is his Laptop. She believes her own lies. Lies like, “When have I ever not paid you?” Well lets see, how about now since I just struggled to pay off your Laptop in 4 months. I paid in 4 months what you were suppose to pay over the course of a year in order to avoid interest. I was fucked with no lube, no condom, no kiss, then spit on. That’s how I feel. The betrayal hurt me so much. Who would have known she would turn on me and be a cold-hearted, lying, stealing, cheating bitch. I was her only real friend and now you have lost me forever Kathleen. This Blog is not to bash you or even about you, but you are that vain. It is to tell my stories of the evil things you did to me and what's happening in my life after all the pain and suffering you have and still are inflicting on me. You are such a Narcissist that you will turn this around, make it all about you, and then play the victim in all of this. I was used by my BFF. This Blog will cost me a lot more since I am slowly but surly going to expose you. The people in the BBW community already don’t like you. I had no idea about this till I ended our friendship. You have treated them so badly over the years with the cruel things you say about fat people behind their backs. 


Last Saturday you walked up to one of your paying customers and told them, “You went to Bounce on NYE and I saw you in a photo with Mo. You’re not my friend anymore!” Then she stomped off like a child. Warning if you are seen with me in any photos she will hate you. I warned the person in advance that if you are in this photo with me she will see it and she will hate you for it. Cross over to the Dark side and party with me and my real friends this Saturday night at Club Bounce. Unless you are afraid of the wrath of Kathleen Divine LOL.


I hope this brings her business because she owes me $6631.26 for things she charged on my credit cards. This is like a bad divorce. I won’t let you fuck me over ever again. You can ignore my emails, texts, and phone calls, but you cant ignore the Sheriff when he serves you. I am done done done. My health is way more important than you are. Because of the stress I have been under I was stuck in bed for the last 2 weeks sick with a Lupus flare up. Which of course can kill me as you already know. I guess if I die you won't have to pay back the credit card companies all the money you owe them in my name. Now I will suffer and struggle to pay your bills till I can get a judge to make you pay me. 


By the way people that total was not including the Laptop. I guess the BFL isn’t making as much money as it use to, but according to the OC Weekly they did get Best DJ. I laughed out loud the DJ’s aren’t the best but it was a good idea to buy that add from the weekly hope it helps.

Tree TV

Check out a sample of what is on the way from Tree Vision and Tree TV. Stay tuned BBW Community this is going to be a brush fire by the time I am done. There is no stopping the truth from coming out.

The Prick

It was July 31, 2011 and I am on my way to Kathleen’s house which is a two hour drive from where I live. I left in such a hurry, mid-month because I was no longer safe at her place so I didn’t pack everything. She moved in her old foster son who was a crack head fresh out of jail and living on the streets. My ex is living with Kathleen as well. I picked up my nephews so that they could pack my stuff into my truck and keep me safe. The crack head is in the front yard doing hand stands. My ex looks like he is on drugs, which he was. Next thing I know he is yelling and screaming at me, calling me all sorts of names in the driveway. He then decides to call the cops. I laugh out loud every time I play that conversation back in my head as he is on the phone. Picture this, my ex is 6’6” 235 pounds and a white male. My nephews are just as tall, much younger and are football players. Douche bag always thought he was such a strong man, the protector, cave man type of shit. Yet he would always dry up the meat on the BBQ grill. Man, meat, fire = let’s eat or not in his case.


Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Douche bag: My arm is in a sling, they keyed my car and have me surrounded.
Operator: Where are you located and how many of them are there?
Douche bag: There are three of them and I can’t get my car out of the driveway I’m surrounded and blocked in. My arm is in a sling.
Operator: The police are on the way.


As I start laughing at him he then begins to call me a variety of names. Names like fat bitch, cunt, stupid, smelly, then he said it “Nigger”. I was just waiting for that word to come out of his mouth. Almost always that’s the go to word to try and hurt someone of color. I laughed even louder and then my nephews told him to shut his mouth. It is hot as hell outside. My nephews are packing as fast as they can. Kathleen is just standing by as the crack head is running around the front yard. The police show up and see that the Douche bag is full of shit and has zero evidence. Kathleen accused me of keying his car then decided to post a photo and asked would you trust someone that did this? Two weeks prior as I was driving away she called me and asked who keyed the Douche bags car. I told her it wasn’t any of us. I also told her to call the cops; you know where I live, you have my address. Of course they didn’t do anything. I have no idea why they thought two weeks later I was going to be arrested or something. One of my nephews who wasn’t even at her house moving me out two weeks prior was accused of keying the Douche bags car. My nephews have never been in any trouble. They are great kids who are now great men, all grown up. The lengths that Kathleen and the Douche bag went through to try and get the cops to arrest me or one of my nephews was pathetic. As my mom now says, “She is just not a nice person”!! My mom is being sweet let’s break it down so you can see the facts.


Facts:
1. I left 2 weeks early and she kept the whole months rent.
2. She told me to my face she wanted the Douche bag to stay living with her instead of me.
3. She tried to get me and my nephews arrested or charged with a crime.
4. She is a backstabbing bitch who lied to my face and to the police.
5. She posted on Facebook trying to say I keyed his car.
6. The crack head former foster son had no job, money and was just a free loader and I wasn’t paying half of everything with the douche and the crack head in the house.
7. Her game is to surround herself with losers so she can feel better about herself.
8. She believes she is helping them out but they are just domestic slaves doing what ever she tells them to do for a free place to crash and free food.

People keep asking me why did Kathleen keep the Douche bag over her best friend? Were they fucking? I have no idea. He lied about everything and she knew that he was using me. She waited months to tell me. I know he fucked FiFi and a few other women he met at the BFL while he was working there. Other than that the only reason I can think of is she is just a stupid bitch who is evil to the core. When I say “evil” people I mean “EVIL”!!! She seriously needs to find Jesus. She always says I know I have a spot in heaven because I have helped so many people. She will probably burn in hell for using people for what ever she can get out of them. But that is between her and her maker on judgment day. I am no saint. Maybe I will see her in Hell? I doubt it but no one knows. More than one of our mutual friends on Facebook was kind enough to send me the screen shots and the photo of his car. It says prick on the side. Enough said!! A Prick is a Prick.

Haters Inspire Me

In the last 17 days I have lost 11 pounds. I am only 2 pounds away from what I weighed before all the back stabbing started. With all the stress, illness and bullshit happening in my life I am so glad I was able to loose the weight. Now I have set a goal to keep loosing weight before they do my arms aka the bat wings. I see the Plastic Surgeon on Friday afternoon. I am trying not to get too excited since the last doctor was a complete bitch who said I was still too fat. I have changed all of my eating since the New Year. I know what I am supposed to be eating. I have a nutritionist and we found what works for me. I have knocked out anything that doesn’t have natural sugar in it. No more pre packaged processed foods. I can’t tell you what I would do for a cookie right now but the feeling will pass. I no longer eat out so I can control the calories and content of my food. I am a food addict and I have binge eating disorder. I refuse to gain the 300 pounds back that I have lost.


Even though I have a list of illnesses a mile long and the major ones have no cure. The other ones are complications from the major illnesses. I will fight the good fight to the bitter end. I know I am on borrowed time and I plan to spend all of it with my family and friends who love me. March 24^th will be my 6^th birthday post Gastric Bypass Surgery. I extended my life by 6 years with the people who love me. I am sorry for the time I wasted on some relationships. Like I say, I’m a work in progress. Perfection takes time and no one is perfect. Love me or leave, because it is what it is. I am really thankful that Kathleen said to me before I left, “You’re going to gain all of your weight back without me”. All I have to say to that comment is kiss all of my fat rolls because I will finish what I started or die trying. I lost this weight bitch not you. It was all me and I refuse to give you any credit for what I have accomplished. I earned this and have been to hell and back for it. You’re cruel comment inspired me. I will get my second tummy tuck while you are still thinking about getting one because you have so many body image issues. Stop being such a hater it makes you look 50 which you will be in March. Happy 50^th you made it half of a century. As Jess would say Holla!!
MoMo Out…..

Friend Enemy or Frenemy?

Over the years I have met thousands of people within the BBW Community. Would I call them all friends? No, I would not.  I would call them acquaintances. My real true “thick and thin”, “got your back 100%” is a small circle of friends. Some of my friends I have known since I was a child. Though they’ve moved away, gotten married, or what ever, you always keep in touch. The friends that stick with you through the good, the bad and the ugly are the ones you keep. Some of my friends have been in my life for ten or more years. Kool-aid and I have been friends for 27 years and still keep in touch. When we were growing up she was the one friend I could trust to help me hide the body; if there was one to hide. I am sure to this day I could call her and say I need you and she would be here for me. Friends help you, listen to you, cry with you, hold your $900.00 new blonde tracks as you puke in the bathroom of a dive bar in Costa Mesa, California. True friends support you, encourage you, love you, keep your secrets and protect you at all cost. A real friend doesn’t throw shit in your face that they have done for you. A true friend should never remind you what they have done for you. If you feel the need to always remind your “so called friends” that you did X Y Z for them, you aren’t their friend. I was the friend that was going to be eaten by the bear in the woods so my other friends could run away. That’s the kind of friend I am when I say I am your friend. I would have been eaten alive for the team.

Some people feel the need to have an entourage. The entourage is the first to start back stabbing one another to “buy in” for the BFF position. Lord, have mercy on my soul but I thank you daily that I no longer have the job of being the BFF. Nothing was ever good enough. The pressure, the drama, things being thrown across the room, crack heads, homeless people who thought they had a friend but were just let in to stay to become a domestic slave to the Divine one. Friends don’t verbally abuse you and call you a Cunt or anything outside of your name. Friends don’t throw temper tantrums when they don’t get their way each and every minute of every single day 365 days a year 24/7. Friends don’t tell you how disgusting the fat rolls on your thighs look just because they hate that part of their own body. They don’t spend time talking to your boyfriend and asking him how he can be with a woman with such big thighs or such a big belly; before I had it removed. Even though they are suppose to be all about size acceptance. The list can go on and on but I know what a real friend shouldn’t do to me. So called friends smile in your face as they lie to you. I think it is so pathetic that a friend would give you their word then find a reason to back peddle. In the mind of the friend/enemy they find some reason to be mad at you so they can go back against their word. What ever happened to “your word is your bond”? Does that not apply to anyone anymore? Do people in general just tell you what they think you want to hear? I would have to say yes about that. I don’t have the patience to be fake with people. My life is precious and I have gone to great lengths to prolong it. I have zero energy to be around people I don’t like and aren’t really my friends. The truth always comes out and I am sure there are so many lies that haven’t been uncovered yet. At this point they all deserve each other and can keep the lies, drama, betrayal, cheating, stealing and what ever else sick shit went down behind my back.

True story and a perfect example of someone who is not my friend. Former friend Fiona aka FiFi started having sex with my psycho stalker ex-boyfriend one week after we broke up in July 2011. Then the Divine one posted photos of them making out on Facebook so that I would have another knife in my back. I wonder how FiFi’s husband would feel if he knew? I doubt he would care since he has his own girlfriend. Not only did they try and make sure I found out about it but the douche bag my ex was kind enough to send me a text message with the details. I also have a voice mail but it was really graphic so I won’t torture you with it. I guess she thought the judge was over reacting when he issued me a restraining order against him. I found myself trapped in a drama triangle, so I removed myself from it. We do have a choice in life with what we will and won’t put up with. Following my gut and getting out of toxic friendships/relationships is the best thing I could have done for myself. Soon after the people who have always loved me were waiting for me to come back to them. My true friends still loved me and were there to pull the knives out of my back. When things get rough you find out who your real friend are. It’s like turning on the light and watching the roaches run because they like to shit all over your place in the dark. If you see one of them there are a million of them waiting to crawl all over you the minute you fall a sleep. IMO she has no self worth. As far as I am concerned she is as dirty as a roach. Raid anyone? Text message below. I am keeping my blog real. My stories are true and I can back up everything I have and will post on here. MoMo out.

------ SMS Text ------

From: 3108951731
Received: Sep 28, 2011 2:43 AM
Subject: I have been fuk4n fifi in ur bed...

I have been fuk4n fifi in ur bed since the day u finally left us! Kat set it all up and its nice and clean pussy! Gr8 change from ur smell ass! Yum
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Yes they took the time to send me this photo!

 



The meaning of the word according to Wikipedia.

Friendship is a form of interpersonal relationship generally considered to be closer than association, although there is a range of degrees of intimacy in both friendships and associations.

Value that is found in friendships is often the result of a friend demonstrating the following on a consistent basis:

• The tendency to desire what is best for the other


• Sympathy and empathy


• Honesty, perhaps in situations where it may be difficult for others to speak the truth, especially in terms of pointing out the perceived faults of one's counterpart


• Mutual understanding and compassion; ability to go to each other for emotional support


• Enjoyment of each other's company


• Trust in one another


• Positive reciprocity — a relationship is based on equal give-and-take between the two parties.


• The ability to be oneself, express one's feelings and make mistakes without fear of judgment.

The Gay Husband

They, whom ever they are say that the good men are already married or gay. I do love gay men. If I could have the perfect husband he would be gay. We would have all the things in life we ever wanted and he would have his boyfriend living across town or maybe even next door. Oh hell, if my gay husband was rich enough my lover who speaks hardly any English and is from some small village in Italy, France, Romania, Greece who knows maybe one of each. They as in my lover and my gay husbands boyfriend would share the guest house. I love the accents and men from Europe. I have had this discussion with my girlfriends on more than one occasion. For the most part we agree good men are hard to find. Gay men are kind, caring, loving, sensitive, compassionate, etc. I know that a straight man is capable of these emotions. Is he just afraid to open up and show you his heart? Can you have the perfect friendship with a straight man that you have with a gay man? Is my straight man going to enjoy shopping with me? Or is it going to be complete torture for him. Luckily I love to shop but I shop more like a man. I go in, get what I need and get out. I take my purchases home and enjoy them what ever they may be.

What about the women who are already married to gay men but have no idea their husband is gay? I would like to believe that if my husband was gay I would know it. There are always signs. Living a double life is very exhausting. How do they keep track of the double life? Wouldn’t it just be easier to find a woman who wanted a gay husband? These days they have a dating site for any and everything you find yourself being into. I am sure if you can find free sperm samples for women trying to have a baby on the internet a gay husband should be easy. By the way I saw the free sperm story on 20/20 the other night. These women were tired of paying for the sperm from the sperm banks. The money was just too much and they have no way of knowing if they will get pregnant. Just remember you get what you pay for. If you get free sperm you really need to think twice about that first IMO. This is also where a gay husband would come in handy. Gay men want kids and a family too. It is just win win if you ask me. I joke about this all the time with my friends that my next husband will be gay. I think my first husband might have been gay but that was also a running joke. No one knows for sure not even me and I was his wife…LMAO.

My Weight Loss Surgery Journey Part 2

The spring of 2007 was one milestone after another happening to me. Being able to reclaim my life was a feeling of freedom I can’t describe. May of 2007 I began another water aerobics class that went through the summer. The weight loss kept happening and I was still learning who I was and what I looked like. When I saw myself in the mirror I didn’t really see much change. But when I saw a photo of myself I could see the changes.

June, July, and August of 2007 I had a few ups and downs with food. As I was able to eat more the battle of will began between me and food. I decided to stay in therapy but then life happened and I wasn’t able to continue for a few months.

I still don’t eat fast food or drink soda. The carbonation in soda can and will stretch out your pouch. Plus when the carbonation hits your stomach it can make you double over from the pain. I rather cook at home than eat out. I seem to get sick when ever I eat at a restaurant. Dairy such as milk and ice cream are not tolerated. I can cook with milk and have no issues, but can’t drink milk or eat ice cream even if it is sugar free ice cream. I learned all of this the hard way. There is no way around it as you introduce your stomach to new foods. It’s like being a baby all over again. Trying to find foods that are good for me and that I am not allergic too is a challenge. I have several food allergies so it limits many of the fresh fruits I can eat. Anything with a pit or seed I am allergic too. I am also allergic to peanuts, which would be a healthy protein source if I could eat it.

There are times when I don’t even think about food at all and some days where I feel like I can graze all day long. I am thankful that I am not able to eat as much as I want to. Forced portion control is what I needed to get this far. If I over eat I get sick. It will make you think long and hard before you eat something. Is it worth the pain and suffering for a bite of a cheese burger and fries? My mind seems to try and control my food. So the daily battle with food marches on. I make far better food choices than I ever have in my life. I think about everything I put in my mouth before I eat it. The surgery forces you to make choices. It is up to each person what that choice will be. Will I hit the drive thru or will I cook at home? I vote for home, at least there I can control the content, quality, calories, everything. Choices are a key and at home you know what works for you.

I made it through the holidays in 2007 without gaining any weight. There have been some ups and down with my weight by 3-5 pounds. But it is just water weight. I am dealing with the repercussions of once being almost 600 pounds. My knees are now bone on bone and will need to be replaced. I am too young for the knee replacement surgery and I am not done loosing.  My other choice was a series of steroid shots in each knee to help with the pain of walking with knees that are bone on bone. There is of course lots of extra skin on my belly, thighs, hips and my arms. For the most part my body has adjusted step by step to the weight loss and what little elasticity was left my skin held it together as much a possible. Be prepared for things to sag, droop, roll onto another roll, shift into places you had no clue were there. By no means is my body perfect but I am learning to love it and the new me as I transform.

March 2008 was very stressful. I wasn’t feeling well on a drive home with my boyfriend at the time. I thought the nausea was because I hadn’t eaten in many hours. Then I thought I was getting car sick so I asked him to pull over and I threw up. It was dark and we were in the middle of no where taking a freeway that was a back road up to my parents place. I started coughing up blood and there was no hospital near us. He was driving way over the speed limit to get me to a hospital. We were about forty five minutes away from the nearest hospital. We pulled into the parking lot and I began to vomit large amounts of blood. Needless to say I was scared. The ER Doctor told me that I was bleeding internally and needed to have emergency surgery. The Doctor also told me that he would do his best to stop the bleeding, but he wouldn’t know how bad it was until he got in there. Yet again another surgery for me!!! It turned out to be a bleeding ulcer which the Doctor was able to repair. I was just thankful I didn’t have to be awake as I was being scoped. Bleeding Ulcers can also be a side affect caused by steroids. At that time I was in the middle of getting a course of shots of steroids in my knees. If you have Gastric Bypass Surgery and take any anti-inflammatory drugs you run the risk of bleeding ulcers. That includes over the counter drugs like Advil, Aspirin or Motrin. Tylenol is about the only over the counter choice after weight loss surgery.

April 2008 I am still loosing but it has slowed down. I now only get on the scale once a week to make sure I haven’t gained any weight. At this point it is still coming off but not as fast. I was depressed because of the health issues so I broke down and had chicken nuggets and a small French fries. I can’t tell you how shity I felt as I was eating it. Half way through eating them I started to get very nauseous. Then the dumping started and I had to throw up. That was the first time that I had eaten fast food in two years. I felt for a moment that I had let myself down. I hate the fight that I have with myself every day to keep my food addiction under control. The next day I got back on track and kept my mind in better spirits.

May 2008 I died three times in one week. Yes I said three times. I went into what they called Ventricular Tacky Cardiac aka V-Tack. At first the Doctors had no clue what was wrong and they sent me home. Later that week my boyfriend and I were watching a movie and I passed out then ended up on the floor. We were spending the weekend at my parents place. I could hear my mom calling 911. My dad was trying to get me up off the floor because my foot was trapped under the dresser which weighs a ton. I could hear everything around me but couldn’t respond. I was dripping with sweat just like you see in the movies. The paramedics took me to the hospital and I was there for hours. The Doctors ran so many tests. I even had an MRI. Still they didn’t know what was wrong with me. The Doctor came in and said I think you just had a severe case of Dumping Syndrome. I informed the Doctor I am two years out I know what dumping feels like and this isn’t it. They were about to send me home and I passed out again. Since I had just returned from having the MRI I wasn’t hooked up to the heart monitor. Thank God there was a nurse in the room who saw that I was going into convulsions. The next thing I know lots of people are running into the room. I could hear them but I couldn’t respond. They hooked up the heart monitor then put the paddles on me. I heard the Doctor Say “charge to one hundred”. What I felt next sounded like a sonic boom to me. I hope none of you ever have to be shocked back to life. It hurts like hell for the record. Later that day I had a Pace Maker / Defibrillator implanted. The surgery went well and I was taken to CCU that night after surgery.  During the night I was shocked two times by my new remote control, woo hoo for me we now know it works.

All I can say is my poor boyfriend. He went to hell and back with me. Even though we are no longer together he gave it all he had to give while he was here with me. In June 2008 he moved back to Europe. It isn’t easy when your girlfriend dies on you.  It took a bit of time to recover. July was a tough month. I was in a ton of pain. I can’t take any anti-inflammatory drugs so I end up just suffering from the pain. I was in Vegas working at the bash. By the end of the week I couldn’t move my hands and could hardly walk. No one knew how much pain I was in each day at the bash and the vendor fair. At the time I was just doing too much too soon.

In August they discovered the top lead of my Pace Maker was disconnected. So I had surgery to reconnect it. After the surgery I had a major flare up. I was told the screw was too tight and had punctured my heart sack. I was back to square one. I couldn’t walk, eat, lie down or barely sit up in bed. It was also hard to breath. I spent a week in the hospital. They yet again had no clue what was wrong. I couldn’t even yawn without having major chest pain when I would inhale. One of my doctors ran some more tests and discovered I have Systemic Lupus. My mom has it and one of my aunts died from it. There is no cure but it can go into remission. For those of you who don’t know Lupus is an autoimmune disease so the body attacks itself and the vital organs. All the pieces of the puzzle fell into place. Now my Doctors knew why I had all of these other conditions. The treatment for Lupus is anti-inflammatory drugs which we know I can’t take. Yay for me, what now?

I spent all of August and September 2008 recovering. My best friend was out of the country for about six weeks while all of this was happening. She called me and kept saying to me “Stay alive I am on my way home.” I think the support from my family and friends helped me fight to recover. In October 2008 I started to feel much better. I started doing some walking as exercise. I told myself I wouldn’t let all of these obstacles beat me down. No matter what I was going to keep moving and power through all the pain. I refuse to give up even though there are days that I just want to eat what ever I want. I lost 30 pounds between August and October 2008. November and December 2008 were very stressful, because my moms Lupus became active again. She was in the hospital for over a month and we almost lost her. All I wanted for Christmas was my mom to be able to come home and be with all of us. My dad, my brothers and I took shifts at the hospital so that mom wasn’t alone. I held it together and still found time to cook the holiday meals for the entire family. My mom made it home on Christmas Eve. I can’t tell you how happy I was. I broke down in tears after my brother said grace for Christmas dinner. Even with all the stress I managed to keep my eating on track. In the past I would have eaten any and everything to help me cope with the stress. I would have hit the drive thru or stuffed myself with anything that I felt would comfort me. I would only be hurting myself if I did that so I stayed focused.

In 2008 I had a lot of things on my plate…lol and that doesn’t include any food. I am so glad to still be alive that I have a new outlook on life. You never know how much time you have. Life is too short to be unhappy. I have decided to start living my life to the fullest. I want to enjoy every day that I have left. Nothing tastes as good as waking up everyday. I am now down to 324 pounds. My goal was to get down to 300 pounds. It is kind of fitting that March 24, 2009 is the three year anniversary of my Gastric Bypass Surgery I am at 324 pounds.  I am happy with my results and have done the best I can. In my life doing the best I can is all I have to give right now. Last month I got a new Tattoo and the scroll on it says “Too Tough to Die.” I felt that was fitting after everything that has happened to me thus far. In three years I have gone from 588 pounds to 324 pounds.

For those of you who want to know more about Lupus here is a link to a bit of info.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Systemic_lupus_erythematosus

The story isn’t even close to over. Wait till I tell you read about the rest of 2009, 2010 and 2011. I have kept a Journal the entire time I have been living this new life. It has not been easy in any way, shape, or form. My Family has been there for me unconditionally. There is no way in the world I could have made it this far without their love, prayers and support. I am still a work in progress and my story will continue with 2010 and 2011 soon. This is where the battle between me, the food police, food addiction, and binge eating disorder go head to head. One thing I have learned from this entire experience is weight loss surgery is not a quick fix. The process takes years to complete and you have to be willing to make that investment in yourself because you believe you are worth it.

One Love

Monique

                                                    June 2007

Halloween my Birthday October 2008

December 2008

March 2009

The Tattoo 2009