Am I There Yet?

When I look back at my life ten years ago the memories are very sad. I weighed over 550 pounds. I was married to a feeder. I was home bound, bed bound and in a wheelchair to leave the house. The destruction that was done to my body is something I will never fully recover from. I had an offer from a doctor that I couldn't refuse when I decided to have Gastric Bypass Surgery. Even though I have lost 300 plus pounds my body still hates me for the past. I ended up with Lupus and we of course have no idea how long ago it started. It fills in all of the why’s as to my other health conditions. The doctors could never say to me it was all because I was fat. The truth is I had Lupus for at least fifteen years before they said for sure I had it. Most of the tests back then were inconclusive.

How does it feel to do all of this work and have people behave like it was just a walk in the park? I can tell you it isn't cool and really makes me mad. My fuse gets shorter every time I am insulted by a stranger who makes a comment about my weight. My eye doctor asked me why the weight loss surgery didn't work for me. I told him if he had read a bit further he would have seen that it worked very well with a 300 pound loss. But that’s not good enough and I was judged yet again. I made him feel stupid with a few comments of my own. I had the same thing happen when I went for a nurse visit to get my B-12 shot. I filed a complaint against her. She was way out of line and said why are you still so fat and you had surgery!..

I have worked so hard over the past seven years to lose the weight and keep it off. Who else do you know that has made it this long and not gained it back? Everyone I know has gained it back. I am terrified that it could happen to me one day. But I say to myself I have the tools and the training to stay on track. When I fall off the wagon I dust off and get right back on track. I am so tired of people telling me I am going to fail. I am tired of people telling me I am not good enough. I am tired of being judged. Last week I walked up into the face of a man who was staring at me with blatant disgust. I asked him if there was a reason why he was staring at me like that. I also asked if he had a problem with the way I look. He didn't respond and ran back to his car. I told you my fuse is short and I am sick of it. FYI people it has been seven almost eight years and I have NOT gained it back. The weight I did gain I lost it and then some more recently. I am only 24 pounds away from the new goal I made for myself. It is not the number on the scale that makes me smile. Being alive makes me smile. I am now a size happy. Just let me be happy and stop with the negative comments about weight loss surgery.

I am sorry for those who lost people to complications post op. I am sorry for the ones who lost the battle due to not being able to get any help. I am sorry for that person at home in bed not able to do anything for themselves. Your mind works fine but your body won’t let you walk more than a few steps. The food addiction is so far gone you don’t notice it anymore. I’m sorry that anyone has to ever go through any of the things I have experienced. I hope you know that you aren't alone and people do make it to the light at the end of the tunnel. I may not be able to walk without a cane anymore and need new knees and foot surgery, but I am happy to be alive. The physical pain I suffered to get here and the daily pain is no joke. Friends have told me they have no idea how I survived. I survived because I wanted to live. I have a family and friends who love me and need me. I am a survivor period and will never quit.
MoMo Out!