He Loves Me He Loves Me Not

I know this will sound cliché, but I picked a pansy and plucked each petal saying he loves me he loves me not. That is how I decided that Joey would be my first boyfriend and my first kiss as a little girl in grade school. If life as a grown woman was that easy when it came to love we wouldn’t get stuck picking a pansy of a man. As we all know in the real world we are more and more disconnected from other people. We rather send a text message instead of picking up the phone and calling just to say hello. I would rather be woken up in the middle of the night by someone who loved me enough to call and say I was just thinking about you. I haven’t met a man like that in a very long time. I was single for a few years before I met Derek aka the Pansy, Douche Bag, psycho, bi-polar, stalker, ex boyfriend, possible murderer if he gets his hands on me. He seemed so normal and sweet when I met him. He was on his meds when I met him is all I can chalk that up to.

He was one year older than me so we grew up in the same era. We had lots to talk about and he made me laugh. He would call just to say I am thinking about you or I miss you. He was thoughtful and would call to say I am on my way home from work do we need anything from the market. He would make me breakfast in bed before he left for work or when I woke up it would be by the bedside. I am well aware no one is perfect. He was divorced more than once and I have been divorced only once. He really had an excuse for every thing about him that I questioned. Of course I asked about each marriage and why they ended. It sets a pattern so you need to know how and why. I was just married to the wrong guy that was easy to explain. Then he told me his last ex wife had a restraining order on him a few years ago. He had a huge story about how she called him so he called her back. Due to the fact that he returned the call it was a violation so he was arrested no time served.

As the months went by and I got to know him better I was beginning to see who he really was. He had a degree but didn’t work in his field. We all know the job market sucks according to the news and current world events. Does it suck so bad that in White America an educated white male couldn’t get a decent job? I would have to say no to that one. My brother was laid off from his job and within a month had a new job doing the same thing making more money. I guess when you have a wife and two kids you will bust your ass to feed your family. Derek on the other hand was a user, liar, thief, opportunist and a cheat. He had no clue how to be loyal other than to himself. He met me and fell in love with my life. I don’t believe he ever loved me for more than maybe a few seconds. We were dating and next thing I know I have a boyfriend. Then the next thing I know he needs a place to stay so I can’t leave my man on the street. What was suppose to be a few days turned into the drama that ended friendships and landed him in jail. I don’t need cupid to send love my way, I can live without it. I like saying that “I can do bad all by myself”. I don’t need a mans help for that job.

Derek's kind of love leaves you with lots of hurt feelings. He calls you names. In his mind it is ok to sleep with my friends. It is also safe to say my former friend thought it was ok to have sex with him too in our bed non the less. My former friend Kathleen was kind enough to look at me and lie to my face. Kathleen told me Derek was just trying to hurt me by saying those things. Of course he was trying to hurt me. The man slashed my tire, drained all of the oil out of my truck to try and blow up my engine. He left me over 100 text messages and voice mails saying he hated me and was going to kill me and my entire family. The morning he left and didn’t come home that night he kissed me on my forehead and said I love you. I rolled over and went to sleep. I knew it was over already. I have always been good at knowing when men cheat and when it is over. Once that happens I am done. No need for excuses or stories. Save your breath I have heard everything from I didn’t call because I was in a coma. LMAO that was my favorite lie.

This Valentines day I vow to love Me, Myself and I forever and however long my life lasts. Needless to say Derek never loved me. He loved my life and what he thought he could get from me.  All things that glitter aren’t always gold. It really sucked that Kathleen knew that Derek was using me and choose him over me and our friendship. Kathleen waited till the last few weeks to tell me what she knew. By then the end was close anyway. So many lies from so many people who all said they loved me. I wonder if I will believe the next man who tells me he loves me? I wonder if I will ever let anyone get close enough to love me again? I like being single. I like not having to answer to anyone. I like being in total control of the remote. I like to sleep on both sides of the bed if I want to. I have all of the blankets and pillows to myself. I like it like this for now. I reserve the right to change my mind at a later date. Keep in mind Valentines day is just another day and a good excuse to eat chocolate.

MoMo Out!

A Pansy photo.


Don’t I have a WTF look on my face as I stand next to the Pansy and former BFF Kathleen Divine?