Don’t Pull My Trigger

Many of you within the BBW and SSBBW community have known me since 1995. When I run into you at a convention we chat like it was just yesterday. If you really know me on a personal level then you know I used to weigh almost 600 pounds. I have Binge Eating Disorder and I suffer from food addiction. Once I had Gastric bypass surgery my life changed. I started to  understand how and why I had gained so much weight. While in therapy you learn how to spot your triggers and how to avoid them. There is also something called the Food Police and the Food FBI. If the Food FBI get involved then what ever you eat is a federal crime in the book of the “Divine” one. Let it be her law or no law at all.

Every time I would go into the kitchen she would ask what I was going to make late at night. I can eat a lot more than I could six years ago when I first had surgery. I would make her a snack then make something for myself. Later on I would be blamed for making her eat too late at night. I am a night owl and always have been. When I was a child I was the only fat one in my family. My brothers are tall and thin and one of them is super tall and really works out a lot. Then there was me, the only girl with three brothers and skinny parents. Needless to say growing up food was always an issue. My parents had me on every diet known to man from the age of 9 and that would have been 1979. By the 80’s they were going over the top with acupressure, acupuncture, herbal life. You name it they tried it on me right down to diet pills and shots. once I was an adult and left home I ate any and everything I wanted. No one was going to tell me what I can and can’t eat ever again.  The damage was done. I ended up using food as comfort and it has become an addiction. If I did not have Gastric Bypass surgery I can assure you I would be dead and not writing this Blog.

It gave me forced control and if I over ate there were consequences for my actions. Once I was living with the food police again I began to resent it. I talked about it in therapy with my food addiction specialist I was seeing. I have learned many tools over the past six years. I have also learned when Kat was just trying to pull my trigger. She would say things like “Are you eating again?”, “Are you already thinking about your next meal as we just finished one?”. The snide remarks would be followed by another “I only tell you this as your BFF and I am trying to help you”. I don’t need that kind of help. I need someone who understands how uncontrollable the addiction to food can be. The battle is every single day for me. My goal is to eat to live not live to eat. I fight the anxiety and the urge to graze all day long. I at times eat things that make me sick and I knew it would but I took a chance. Those are the times when she is looking down at me and shaking her head saying I told you so. Unless you have an understanding about addiction of any kind you can not understand food addiction. The only thing is you have to eat daily. How do you make yourself stop? I was forced to stop or die. Now I fight the good fight every day to not binge eat. I was all alone in this struggle, being judged and made to feel less than, because I have a problem.

I am well aware that a person does not get to be 588 pounds which is my former weight without some sort of food issues. My former BFF could not handle the ups and downs of when I would feel the need to eat. The judgments would lead to secret eating. She was pulling all of my triggers one by one to see when I would crack. Before I left I was told by Kathleen that I would gain all of my weight back without her around. I told her it will be refreshing not to have the food police watching my every bite. I am the one who lost the weight. No one lost it for me so why did she flip it and make it about her as always. I guess she was with me 24/7 for the last 6 years since my surgery. Well folks she hasn’t, so don’t be fooled by that load of crap. I did this and I won’t let her beat me down because I did a good job as far as I am concerned.


MoMo Out!