The Crack Head

It was Fourth of July weekend and Kathleen Divine the former friend told me a story about her foster child. When she was married to Mr. Divine they had foster children. Ronnie was one of them. He ran away and was put back into the system. He has been in and out of jail his entire life. Kathleen had not seen Ronnie in twenty years. Some how they found each other on Facebook. I was not aware that the homeless had Facebook accounts and cell phones. Just a note to self on that one. He gave her a huge sob story about how bad his life has been. He was fresh out of jail and living in Oxnard California under a freeway with other crack heads. She felt sorry for him and decided that she was going to leave the house at midnight to make the two hour drive to pick him up. I told her if you want to help just send him a bus ticket. He insisted that  his world would come to an end if he didn’t get picked up that night. Kathleen asked me to drive her to Oxnard. I said no because we don’t know this guy. Just because he was an abused kid doesn’t mean things in his life have changed. They have only gotten worse hence the fact that he was on drugs and fresh out of jail.

As she is leaving she asked me if I am ok with this. I asked if I had a choice. Nothing else was said and she left. Laura and her mom Fiona were at the house for a BBQ we had earlier so they offered to drive her to pick up the crack head. Derek went with them to try and protect Kathleen lol. At this point Fiona is my friend and I had no idea what a dirty whore she would turn out to be and sleep with my ex a week after I left. Shit happens is all I can say about that now. It is almost 5am when they return and I am still awake. I was not ok at all with a complete stranger in the house. I don’t like strangers who are on drugs and felons. He showed up with a brand new crack pipe in his backpack that Kathleen searched to make sure he didn’t have any drugs or weapons. He was tattooed all over his body and his face. He slept for a few days I guess to detox. That was the morning Derek lied and told me he wasn’t going to the BBQ with me. He slept for a few hours then left and didn’t come home till the next day. I was done, really done. We also had a house guest staying with us visiting from Sweden. The house was a hot mess, a really hot mess. Way too many people there all the time. I felt like the help.

The crack head told us at the dinner table that his tattoos were racial and he use to belong to the Arian Nation while in jail. I of course asked why are you even here in the same house with a black person. He had no place else to go so even living with a “N”#### was better than under the freeway in Oxnard. I don’t think the brotherhood would approve of his desperate move. A committed raciest would rather die than live in the same house with a race that they despise. I told the crack head that his racial shit wasn’t going to fly around me so he could leave now. He began to back peddle and say it was only because he had to choose a side in jail. Kathleen said you know, Mo is my BFF and you can see she is Black. The crack head said he gets the picture. When I put all the pieces together, I was in a place that I am not sure how to even express it. Let me try and break down the facts on this one so I can see them on paper and you can see that I am not crazy.

Ronnie is a crack head
Ronnie is a convicted felon
Ronnie is a raciest pig
Ronnie is a free loader
Ronnie moved into a nice house with Kathleen and started calling her mom again
Ronnie is damaged in more ways than one check, check and check. Got it all down.

The crack head yelled at me for cleaning while he was taking a nap on the couch. He fell asleep watching my TV and the cable that I paid half of. The same couch that is on my credit card waiting for Kathleen to pay off her debt. Kathleen and I had a long talk and I told her this is bullshit and I am out of here. She asked me to stay till she came back from Barbados. At first I said yes to be nice. Then I began to get the real picture of what was going on . How the hell are you going to leave the country for two weeks and want me to babysit the crack head and my ex living in Kathleen's office?. I really truly think she had lost her mind for a minute. I am not sure it has ever come back. She was going to support her sister and bring her husbands ashes home due to his unfortunate passing. Notice I said her sister not Kathleen. Yet the entire trip became about her. She really thought her sister should pay for her ticket to Barbados and pay for everything just because she has more money than her. Seriously Kathleen! This is why you have no relationship with the two sisters you have left. You better kiss some ass and make up because you will need them one day. Your parents wont be here to help you forever. I wonder if your parents know my side of what happened? I doubt it and even if they did I am sure they would be on your side as my parents are always going to be on my side. The difference is my parents tell me when I am wrong and yours wont. To be continued.

Love & Loss

From a very early age we read the fairytales about Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, Beauty and the Beast and they all begin with, Once upon a time. Every story has a beginning, middle and an ending. The beginning is always happy and dream like. The middle is where you fight to stay together with good verses evil. The ending is always that they live happily ever after. As a child of course I believed in those fairytales. I believed that the day I fell in love we would have a happy ending. Well as I grew up and got older I started to believe that love just very well may be a complete figment of our imagination. As another decade goes by I start to believe that forever is only as long as it lasts. You have no idea how long any relationship will last. Relationships between friends or lovers is still a relationship. It is still a commitment that you make to another person. All relationships are built on trust. If you have no trust in your relationship then you have no foundation.

 

In my early 20ies I fell in love with a man who died because he had twelve inoperable brain tumors. In my heart there will always be love for him even though he is no longer with us. In my early 30ies my boyfriend fell asleep while driving home after a long day. He suffered a blunt head trauma and died instantly. Just last year my good friend died in a Motorcycle crash due to blunt head trauma and he was only wearing a half helmet. I do wonder if he was wearing a full helmet if he would have survived. I will never know. I know what it is like to suffer the loss of someone you love. The loss of my best friend has been very hard on me as well. After having a friendship that lasted over a decade it is hard to let go. It is hard to be the one to walk away from a toxic relationship.

 

On July 4, 2011 Derek and I broke up. He didn’t come home that night. He decided that spending the holiday with his ex wife was more important than his girlfriend and a BBQ with my family. I knew for weeks something wasn’t right. I can smell it when a man is cheating. I can feel it in my gut when the beginning of the end is coming. Derek had no balls so he turned to Kathleen for support. I told her the next day since he didn’t come home we were done and I wanted him out of the house. As I hobbled all by myself to the Orthopedic Doctor for a round of shots in both of my knees, Kathleen was at home busy moving Derek out of our room into her office. I had asked Derek to give me a ride to the doctor long before any of these things happened. I could hardly walk as I used a cane to help me not fall as I arrived at the doctors office. I was then shot up with steroid filler into both knees so I could walk again in a few days. I was hurt but I can take care of myself.

 

I came home and asked Kathleen what was going on here. She took it upon herself to move Derek into her office because she didn’t want him to move out. I tried everything to get him out and she wanted him to stay. Her loyalty should have been to me her BFF not my ex boyfriend. I was in pain, upset, pissed off beyond livid and was now going to be living across the hall from my now ex boyfriend till I could leave. We had friends over that Sunday and they felt uncomfortable about what Kathleen had done. I know I wasn’t the only person that knew this was wrong on so many levels. Derek said I love it here why would I want to leave even though we are over. The entire thing was one huge set up. On July 7th 2011 he was scheduled for surgery and I was supposed to take him. He was no longer my responsibility so I told Kathleen to give him a ride. She of course said no it was his problem and my problem. He didn’t come home the night before so where ever he slept she could take him.

 

I decided to keep my therapy appointment. If I didn’t talk to someone I was going to blow. In the middle of getting ready Kathleen comes to my door and informs me that Derek is back from surgery and his ex wife is in our house. I wanted to reach out and choke her. Why in the world did she think that would be a good idea? We had a huge argument about it. My ex and his ex wife were in the room across the hall from me. Now she wants to go into our kitchen and cook him some of my chicken soup before she leaves. Are you fucking serious Kathleen Divine? She said yes and I almost snapped. I don’t remember what we shouted at one another but I am sure it wasn’t very nice. If I had ever done that to her she would have had me murdered. She would have paid extra to scatter my body parts in different states. This was going to be a deep cut.  I had the ex boyfriend, his ex wife and my soon to be ex BFF all pushing down on the blade so it went deeper into my back than ever before. I think I was impaled by that dagger, or did they just use a ninja sword to stab me with? What ever they used it was too deep for stitches or emergency surgery. I felt like I was going to die or freak out then die. Neither of which would have been good so I am off to therapy.

 

When it is over for me it is over. There is no going back. He cheated on me with his ex wife of all people. Why go back to the old? Why not find someone new? Men always seem to cheat down. Upgrade men, when you do cheat and I know you will. The ex wife has no self worth and would let Derek use her over and over. He used me when he was down and out so I helped him. He used his ex wife and he used Kathleen in the end. I found the emails that he exchanged with his ex wife. She couldn’t wait for me to leave so they could get back together. LMAO is what I did when I saw the email. I wrote her back in English then had it translated into Spanish which is her first language. I didn’t want her to miss a word about what I had to say. I guess I was the only one who had figured out that Derek was a liar, cheat, user and a total douche bag. Code name Charlie was the name for the affair, they could have done better than that one IMO. Notice they had plans before we broke up as he was out apartment shopping for us. To be continued see the emails below. 

 

MoMo Out!

 

--- On Sat, 7/2/11, Charlie Peter-reyes <@yahoo.com> wrote:

From: Charlie Peter-reyes <@yahoo.com>
Subject: CHARLIE
To: Derek  @yahoo.com
Date: Saturday, July 2, 2011, 3:56 PM

hello! I'm happy my love, we can talk all day!! The next month will be better you know, WHEN SHE LIVES HOME

--- On Sat, 7/2/11, Charlie Peter-reyes <@yahoo.com> wrote:

From: Charlie Peter-reyes <@yahoo.com>
Subject: SURGERY SURGERY
To:  Derek  @yahoo.com
Date: Saturday, July 2, 2011, 2:36 AM

hello my life, well told me that your surgery is on July 7, well I just want you to know that I'll be with you at heart, do not know how we can communicate as I see that you are very restricted in that house, and many problems with that lady monique not want to go ummmm, I wish she had a little respect and was soon so you can be calmer and not so many problems that are not going to do well for your recovery. I hope it passes not boring, try to relax, read, eat well, look at the mail I will send some messages as you asked.
God wants everything to go well, and soon au can return normal working life, remember that being busy helps you stay healthy.
well I hope you write me soon.
all my love
charlie

 

My mom forced me to smile I gave it my best shot. This is from the day we broke up. I showed up alone and had to tell my entire family what a Douche Bag Derek Peter turned out to be.

This is my stalker, ex-boyfriend, liar, cheating, scumbag, pansy and what ever else may come to my mind later on. I reserve the right to resume the name calling when I am ready. This is the same dude who I now have a restraining order against good for the next five years. Watch out for him ladies in the BBW community he is a mad man and wants to kill me and my family. 

He Loves Me He Loves Me Not

I know this will sound cliché, but I picked a pansy and plucked each petal saying he loves me he loves me not. That is how I decided that Joey would be my first boyfriend and my first kiss as a little girl in grade school. If life as a grown woman was that easy when it came to love we wouldn’t get stuck picking a pansy of a man. As we all know in the real world we are more and more disconnected from other people. We rather send a text message instead of picking up the phone and calling just to say hello. I would rather be woken up in the middle of the night by someone who loved me enough to call and say I was just thinking about you. I haven’t met a man like that in a very long time. I was single for a few years before I met Derek aka the Pansy, Douche Bag, psycho, bi-polar, stalker, ex boyfriend, possible murderer if he gets his hands on me. He seemed so normal and sweet when I met him. He was on his meds when I met him is all I can chalk that up to.

He was one year older than me so we grew up in the same era. We had lots to talk about and he made me laugh. He would call just to say I am thinking about you or I miss you. He was thoughtful and would call to say I am on my way home from work do we need anything from the market. He would make me breakfast in bed before he left for work or when I woke up it would be by the bedside. I am well aware no one is perfect. He was divorced more than once and I have been divorced only once. He really had an excuse for every thing about him that I questioned. Of course I asked about each marriage and why they ended. It sets a pattern so you need to know how and why. I was just married to the wrong guy that was easy to explain. Then he told me his last ex wife had a restraining order on him a few years ago. He had a huge story about how she called him so he called her back. Due to the fact that he returned the call it was a violation so he was arrested no time served.

As the months went by and I got to know him better I was beginning to see who he really was. He had a degree but didn’t work in his field. We all know the job market sucks according to the news and current world events. Does it suck so bad that in White America an educated white male couldn’t get a decent job? I would have to say no to that one. My brother was laid off from his job and within a month had a new job doing the same thing making more money. I guess when you have a wife and two kids you will bust your ass to feed your family. Derek on the other hand was a user, liar, thief, opportunist and a cheat. He had no clue how to be loyal other than to himself. He met me and fell in love with my life. I don’t believe he ever loved me for more than maybe a few seconds. We were dating and next thing I know I have a boyfriend. Then the next thing I know he needs a place to stay so I can’t leave my man on the street. What was suppose to be a few days turned into the drama that ended friendships and landed him in jail. I don’t need cupid to send love my way, I can live without it. I like saying that “I can do bad all by myself”. I don’t need a mans help for that job.

Derek's kind of love leaves you with lots of hurt feelings. He calls you names. In his mind it is ok to sleep with my friends. It is also safe to say my former friend thought it was ok to have sex with him too in our bed non the less. My former friend Kathleen was kind enough to look at me and lie to my face. Kathleen told me Derek was just trying to hurt me by saying those things. Of course he was trying to hurt me. The man slashed my tire, drained all of the oil out of my truck to try and blow up my engine. He left me over 100 text messages and voice mails saying he hated me and was going to kill me and my entire family. The morning he left and didn’t come home that night he kissed me on my forehead and said I love you. I rolled over and went to sleep. I knew it was over already. I have always been good at knowing when men cheat and when it is over. Once that happens I am done. No need for excuses or stories. Save your breath I have heard everything from I didn’t call because I was in a coma. LMAO that was my favorite lie.

This Valentines day I vow to love Me, Myself and I forever and however long my life lasts. Needless to say Derek never loved me. He loved my life and what he thought he could get from me.  All things that glitter aren’t always gold. It really sucked that Kathleen knew that Derek was using me and choose him over me and our friendship. Kathleen waited till the last few weeks to tell me what she knew. By then the end was close anyway. So many lies from so many people who all said they loved me. I wonder if I will believe the next man who tells me he loves me? I wonder if I will ever let anyone get close enough to love me again? I like being single. I like not having to answer to anyone. I like being in total control of the remote. I like to sleep on both sides of the bed if I want to. I have all of the blankets and pillows to myself. I like it like this for now. I reserve the right to change my mind at a later date. Keep in mind Valentines day is just another day and a good excuse to eat chocolate.

MoMo Out!

A Pansy photo.


Don’t I have a WTF look on my face as I stand next to the Pansy and former BFF Kathleen Divine?

Don’t Pull My Trigger

Many of you within the BBW and SSBBW community have known me since 1995. When I run into you at a convention we chat like it was just yesterday. If you really know me on a personal level then you know I used to weigh almost 600 pounds. I have Binge Eating Disorder and I suffer from food addiction. Once I had Gastric bypass surgery my life changed. I started to  understand how and why I had gained so much weight. While in therapy you learn how to spot your triggers and how to avoid them. There is also something called the Food Police and the Food FBI. If the Food FBI get involved then what ever you eat is a federal crime in the book of the “Divine” one. Let it be her law or no law at all.

Every time I would go into the kitchen she would ask what I was going to make late at night. I can eat a lot more than I could six years ago when I first had surgery. I would make her a snack then make something for myself. Later on I would be blamed for making her eat too late at night. I am a night owl and always have been. When I was a child I was the only fat one in my family. My brothers are tall and thin and one of them is super tall and really works out a lot. Then there was me, the only girl with three brothers and skinny parents. Needless to say growing up food was always an issue. My parents had me on every diet known to man from the age of 9 and that would have been 1979. By the 80’s they were going over the top with acupressure, acupuncture, herbal life. You name it they tried it on me right down to diet pills and shots. once I was an adult and left home I ate any and everything I wanted. No one was going to tell me what I can and can’t eat ever again.  The damage was done. I ended up using food as comfort and it has become an addiction. If I did not have Gastric Bypass surgery I can assure you I would be dead and not writing this Blog.

It gave me forced control and if I over ate there were consequences for my actions. Once I was living with the food police again I began to resent it. I talked about it in therapy with my food addiction specialist I was seeing. I have learned many tools over the past six years. I have also learned when Kat was just trying to pull my trigger. She would say things like “Are you eating again?”, “Are you already thinking about your next meal as we just finished one?”. The snide remarks would be followed by another “I only tell you this as your BFF and I am trying to help you”. I don’t need that kind of help. I need someone who understands how uncontrollable the addiction to food can be. The battle is every single day for me. My goal is to eat to live not live to eat. I fight the anxiety and the urge to graze all day long. I at times eat things that make me sick and I knew it would but I took a chance. Those are the times when she is looking down at me and shaking her head saying I told you so. Unless you have an understanding about addiction of any kind you can not understand food addiction. The only thing is you have to eat daily. How do you make yourself stop? I was forced to stop or die. Now I fight the good fight every day to not binge eat. I was all alone in this struggle, being judged and made to feel less than, because I have a problem.

I am well aware that a person does not get to be 588 pounds which is my former weight without some sort of food issues. My former BFF could not handle the ups and downs of when I would feel the need to eat. The judgments would lead to secret eating. She was pulling all of my triggers one by one to see when I would crack. Before I left I was told by Kathleen that I would gain all of my weight back without her around. I told her it will be refreshing not to have the food police watching my every bite. I am the one who lost the weight. No one lost it for me so why did she flip it and make it about her as always. I guess she was with me 24/7 for the last 6 years since my surgery. Well folks she hasn’t, so don’t be fooled by that load of crap. I did this and I won’t let her beat me down because I did a good job as far as I am concerned.


MoMo Out!

Sadness & Madness

While in therapy I found myself spending way to much time talking about my friendship with Kathleen. It was to the point where I asked her to come in for just one session and talk about what's wrong. Of course she said yes then found some reason not to go. Kathleen loves to put things off till the very last minute. The last email I sent her was on January 4, 2012. I did not get a reply until 20 days later. All of a sudden she cares. The real truth is my Blog was out and she is not happy about it. We have had our issues for a while now. None of the things I am telling you are new to me or her, but they are to everyone else. Having to relive some of the stories as I write them have made me sad. I would love to only remember the good times. The bad times are what have stuck with me. I doubt I will ever be able to forgive Kat for these things. The damage and the knives in my back are so deep I have bled out. I have nothing left to give other than my stories.

I have noticed that people in the BBW Community don’t like any kind of conflict if they are called out publicly. Why is everyone so afraid to speak about the emotional and verbal abuse they have suffered from others around us in our very own community? Why, don’t you all know that you aren't alone? If everyone stands up and decides to make changes then things will change. I can’t sit back and play the victim, that is what Kathleen is good at. I know my Blog has been the buzz because the numbers don’t lie. You just can’t help but read it even if you hate me for saying it. That in itself speaks volume about how things work within the community. Don’t ask, Don’t tell is BULLSHIT!! I’d want to know, don’t you? If any one of my stories can help even one person it was worth it.

Everyday I would wake up and think this has to be a bad dream. You never knew what the mood was going to be. You never knew till you entered the room and you could just feel the passive aggressive energy flowing through the room. After a brief hello from both parties let the battle begin. It could be you left crumbs on the counter from your English muffin last night. I would think to myself I clean the kitchen all the time are you serious about crumbs?!! Having a BFF is almost like being married. When you live together, work together and go out together it can be a bit much. I can honestly say that my divorce from Mr. Brown was so much easier than the pending divorce from Kathleen. I am the kind of person that when things are over I am gone. You can’t keep trying to fix something that is truly broken. I doubt she will ever change, but I don’t worry about that anymore. The only reason we have to maintain limited contact is all over money.

Never ever let a friend who is down on their luck even though they are your BFF use your credit cards. People really do suck and it is always the best friend that sleeps with your man, uses you for anything they want then say fuck you. If your best friend can look at you with a straight face, insult you, criticize you, and just be a big old Debbie downer then they aren't your friend. If they end the insults with and I quote, “I tell you this as your BFF”, then you have your answer. How badly does someone need to treat you before you say enough? That is a story for another day. I will get to that as we go along. There is plenty of sadness for everyone just take a number and get in line. Or you can say no and move onto people and relationships that are worth your time and investment. The feeling of being trapped doesn’t work for me. If you stick your hand in the Lions cage he might bite it off. Just a word of advice, stop messing with people. Our mutual friends have been forced to choose. The demand came straight from Kathleen not me.

MoMo Out!