My Addiction to Food

Anyone who knows about any sort of addiction knows how it works. Food is my drug of choice. I was eight pounds and 10 ounces at birth. I am the only fat person in my immediate family. I have three brothers who are all fit and thin, then there was me the fat one. I have never know a thin day in my life. My current weight right now is about what I use to weigh at the age of eighteen. I turned to food as a child to cope with my problems. Of course the kids picked on me but I would get into a lot of fights on the play ground. I was not going to let them pick on me and kick my ass. I have always been a fighter. I have had to fight for everything that is in my life. I wouldn’t know what to do if my life wasn’t so complicated. After having Gastric Bypass surgery I was forced to deal with the truth. I no longer had food to turn to for comfort or to self sooth. My emotions were all over the place and I would cry if the wind was blowing outside. It could be anything that set me into crying fits. As soon as I was well enough post-op I put myself into therapy. I was put on Prozac and Xanax to help with depression, anxiety and insomnia. In the beginning the drugs worked really well. I was sleeping at night, I was more calm and food was the last thing on my mind. I would have to be reminded to eat and I would take forever to finish one egg. I was now well medicated and had forced control from the Gastric Bypass. No matter what or how much I wanted to eat my body would reject it. You spend many days with ass on fire and throwing up at the same time in the bathroom trash can. Those things are no fun so it stops you from making that mistake again. At least that’s the way it worked for me. If I ate something that made me sick it was off the list. I would walk around the market looking at the food and remembering what things tasted like. It was really hard to deal with all of these changes going on in my life.

In the last six years I have lost 300 pounds. I have managed to keep it off. It started getting harder and harder for me each year to stay in control of my food. Every year my pouch stretched and I could eat more food as the years go by. I still can’t finish a meal at a restaurant but I know I eat more than I should at this point in the game. I can see the finish line, I have 30 more pounds to loose. But my relationship with food is toxic and I can’t get away from food. I can’t go cold turkey and not eat, then I would have another eating disorder. In therapy I learned about food addiction and Binge Eating Disorder which is what I am dealing with. I had an amazing therapist that dealt with eating disorders. The tools and the skills are what helped me to make it this far and Prozac to keep me sane. For the first time in my life I understood why I had this problem and I learned how to keep it under control. I am 100% aware of what I am doing when I eat something I know is not on my food plan. I journal everything I eat each day and the calories should be kept to about 1500 per day. I have given up many foods since surgery. Some things I don’t even miss such as soda and fast food. It doesn’t taste good and I rather cook something fresh for myself just the way I like it. I also have total control over the calories. I have lost and gained the same 10 pounds in the last year. Some of which is fluid retention from one of my many health issues. Once I was put back on Lasix the fluid was gone. I have broken down in tears more than once in the last year. The struggle to eat the right things and not over eat. I wish I had never tried sugar after surgery. The first time I threw up right away so I avoided sugar for the first few years. In the last two years it has been a demon to me. I fight it daily and most of the time sugar wins and I loose which is also a gain of more weight. No one wins here and the war is never ending.

When I am sick I can’t eat, so of course I loose weight. I use to look forward to weeks and maybe months of not eating. It feels like I am not carrying that million pound rock on my back. I know it is sad that being sick so that I don’t over eat is ok with me. Anything to not binge eat is better than going through the mental battle. The food starts calling you. I look at the clock and see what time I last ate. I have to wait at least four hours between meals or I get sick still to this day. Does it stop me from eating things that I know will hurt me in the long run? No, it doesn’t when I am lost in that zone. Even after I eat what I think is going to be the perfect meal to make me happy that day it never is. Then the graze will begin. One piece of this and bite of that maybe some string cheese. I never know what it will be. We don’t eat processed food and we cook every meal. You would think that I would have no problem staying on track. Some days are better than others. Some days food is just something I know I need to do. On other days the war in my head is going on. The anxiety is so strong it takes over and I let it. I give in nine times out of ten. A few years ago I could stop myself with no problems. Now I go eat what ever the midnight snack will be then graze on and off till I go to sleep around 5am. There isn’t anything really bad here to eat but I make things up. I love cheese so the calories just keep adding up. I buy myself a chocolate bar and tell myself I wont eat it all tonight. I will have a little tonight and more the next night. Unless things are portioned controlled I just keep picking at it. I am tired of fighting with myself and having that feeling of self loathing when I eat something that isn’t good for me. The conversation is always the same one. I say no, my brain and my body say yes it wont hurt you. It could kill me but I eat it anyway. If there was a switch to shut off that section of my brain I would hit pause right away. Every single day I am thankful when I wake up. I promise myself that today will be better than yesterday. Some days it is some days it isn’t. I need to take back the control of this situation and get my food under control. This is the kind of stuff you need to know pre and post op. I am still in therapy and I am still a work in progress. I will fight the good fight till the very end. My hope in writing this was to let others who suffer from Binge Eating Disorder along with an addiction to food know you aren’t alone. We suffer in silence alone with our drug of choice which is Food. We are not alone and we need to reach out for some help.
MoMo Out!