Hang On

When I was a child I was lost and felt alone. I wasn’t close to my family like I am now. There were so many things I just didn’t understand. I didn’t understand why everyone kept telling me I was going to die young if I didn’t loose weight. The doctors, my teachers, school nurse, my family. There was no escape. Around every corner there was someone telling me I was too fat and I was going to die. Looking back on it now I know my family was saying it out of real concern and love. I was not aware of that as a child. I was on a new diet every month from the age of nine till I left home at 18. I told myself I was never going to let anyone tell me what to do again. I told myself that I can spend my money on what ever I wanted to eat.

I grew up in the SF Valley, so yes I was a valley girl and spent many hours at the Galleria. Back then in the 80’s it was every teenagers right of passage spending the day at the Galleria. I had lots of friends and keep in touch with some of them to this day. I still have friends in my life that I have known for over 20 years. Life is so fragile and precious. It wasn’t until I became ill that I said maybe I should have listened to my doctors a little bit sooner. Every person’s body has a limit before it will give out on them. I have had many bad things happen to me over the years. I have been dealing with serious illness since the age of 27 and I am now 41. I remember shortly after my weight loss surgery I thought I was going to die. I was so sick they couldn’t find a vein for the IV. It was the first time I ever thought I was done and ready to let it all go. It would have been so easy to lay in my bed and die that night.

Kathleen was there after the nurse left my place. She was told if I wasn’t doing better to call an ambulance. I was getting worse. My mom called, they were out of town and I told her I think I will be dead by the time they got back into town. My mom called my brother and he drove over an hour to take me to the hospital. If I had stayed home I would have died in my bed that night. I have been close to death more than once.  I have died three times but they saved me in the ER. I have been fighting to stay alive for almost 15 years. I have so many things medically wrong with me I can’t list them all. I fight to live and beat Lupus which has no cure. I am well aware that one day after all the years of fighting to live it will be my time. Till then I will never give up. I am saddened by the loss of AJ aka CC Banana Man. He felt that he couldn’t take living anymore, so he took his own life. I don’t think he knew that he was loved by so many people. No matter how bad life gets never give up and take your own life. I will fight the good fight till it kills me. I wake up every day and say Thank you Jesus for one more day. Today is a gift and tomorrow is never a promise. I want to encourage everyone I know who thinks they just want to quit NOT TO. Never give up hope. The light at the end of the tunnel is not always a run away train trying to run you over.

Reach out to someone, anyone. Don’t be to proud to ask for help. We all need a helping hand from time to time. AJ felt alone and thought he had nothing left. He ended the last chapter in his book of life. There are always things we wish we could have said or done. Be good to the people in your life. Take care of each other and cherish the time and the memories made as the years go by. Keep in touch with friends even if they left the state you live in. Don’t just send a text or an email. Pick up the phone and hit dial. That way they know you really do care. Almost every night my friend of 12 years calls me to see how I am doing. He doesn’t even have text messaging on his phone. He says it is too impersonal and I agree. It’s nice to hear a friends voice, even if only for a few minutes. Try it sometime. R.I.P AJ, I wish I could have helped you more. One day I will see you on the other side. I hold on because I have my entire family who loves and supports me. I have to fight for myself and fight to stay alive for them as well.

MoMo Out!