Hang On

When I was a child I was lost and felt alone. I wasn’t close to my family like I am now. There were so many things I just didn’t understand. I didn’t understand why everyone kept telling me I was going to die young if I didn’t loose weight. The doctors, my teachers, school nurse, my family. There was no escape. Around every corner there was someone telling me I was too fat and I was going to die. Looking back on it now I know my family was saying it out of real concern and love. I was not aware of that as a child. I was on a new diet every month from the age of nine till I left home at 18. I told myself I was never going to let anyone tell me what to do again. I told myself that I can spend my money on what ever I wanted to eat.

I grew up in the SF Valley, so yes I was a valley girl and spent many hours at the Galleria. Back then in the 80’s it was every teenagers right of passage spending the day at the Galleria. I had lots of friends and keep in touch with some of them to this day. I still have friends in my life that I have known for over 20 years. Life is so fragile and precious. It wasn’t until I became ill that I said maybe I should have listened to my doctors a little bit sooner. Every person’s body has a limit before it will give out on them. I have had many bad things happen to me over the years. I have been dealing with serious illness since the age of 27 and I am now 41. I remember shortly after my weight loss surgery I thought I was going to die. I was so sick they couldn’t find a vein for the IV. It was the first time I ever thought I was done and ready to let it all go. It would have been so easy to lay in my bed and die that night.

Kathleen was there after the nurse left my place. She was told if I wasn’t doing better to call an ambulance. I was getting worse. My mom called, they were out of town and I told her I think I will be dead by the time they got back into town. My mom called my brother and he drove over an hour to take me to the hospital. If I had stayed home I would have died in my bed that night. I have been close to death more than once.  I have died three times but they saved me in the ER. I have been fighting to stay alive for almost 15 years. I have so many things medically wrong with me I can’t list them all. I fight to live and beat Lupus which has no cure. I am well aware that one day after all the years of fighting to live it will be my time. Till then I will never give up. I am saddened by the loss of AJ aka CC Banana Man. He felt that he couldn’t take living anymore, so he took his own life. I don’t think he knew that he was loved by so many people. No matter how bad life gets never give up and take your own life. I will fight the good fight till it kills me. I wake up every day and say Thank you Jesus for one more day. Today is a gift and tomorrow is never a promise. I want to encourage everyone I know who thinks they just want to quit NOT TO. Never give up hope. The light at the end of the tunnel is not always a run away train trying to run you over.

Reach out to someone, anyone. Don’t be to proud to ask for help. We all need a helping hand from time to time. AJ felt alone and thought he had nothing left. He ended the last chapter in his book of life. There are always things we wish we could have said or done. Be good to the people in your life. Take care of each other and cherish the time and the memories made as the years go by. Keep in touch with friends even if they left the state you live in. Don’t just send a text or an email. Pick up the phone and hit dial. That way they know you really do care. Almost every night my friend of 12 years calls me to see how I am doing. He doesn’t even have text messaging on his phone. He says it is too impersonal and I agree. It’s nice to hear a friends voice, even if only for a few minutes. Try it sometime. R.I.P AJ, I wish I could have helped you more. One day I will see you on the other side. I hold on because I have my entire family who loves and supports me. I have to fight for myself and fight to stay alive for them as well.

MoMo Out!

My Addiction to Food

Anyone who knows about any sort of addiction knows how it works. Food is my drug of choice. I was eight pounds and 10 ounces at birth. I am the only fat person in my immediate family. I have three brothers who are all fit and thin, then there was me the fat one. I have never know a thin day in my life. My current weight right now is about what I use to weigh at the age of eighteen. I turned to food as a child to cope with my problems. Of course the kids picked on me but I would get into a lot of fights on the play ground. I was not going to let them pick on me and kick my ass. I have always been a fighter. I have had to fight for everything that is in my life. I wouldn’t know what to do if my life wasn’t so complicated. After having Gastric Bypass surgery I was forced to deal with the truth. I no longer had food to turn to for comfort or to self sooth. My emotions were all over the place and I would cry if the wind was blowing outside. It could be anything that set me into crying fits. As soon as I was well enough post-op I put myself into therapy. I was put on Prozac and Xanax to help with depression, anxiety and insomnia. In the beginning the drugs worked really well. I was sleeping at night, I was more calm and food was the last thing on my mind. I would have to be reminded to eat and I would take forever to finish one egg. I was now well medicated and had forced control from the Gastric Bypass. No matter what or how much I wanted to eat my body would reject it. You spend many days with ass on fire and throwing up at the same time in the bathroom trash can. Those things are no fun so it stops you from making that mistake again. At least that’s the way it worked for me. If I ate something that made me sick it was off the list. I would walk around the market looking at the food and remembering what things tasted like. It was really hard to deal with all of these changes going on in my life.

In the last six years I have lost 300 pounds. I have managed to keep it off. It started getting harder and harder for me each year to stay in control of my food. Every year my pouch stretched and I could eat more food as the years go by. I still can’t finish a meal at a restaurant but I know I eat more than I should at this point in the game. I can see the finish line, I have 30 more pounds to loose. But my relationship with food is toxic and I can’t get away from food. I can’t go cold turkey and not eat, then I would have another eating disorder. In therapy I learned about food addiction and Binge Eating Disorder which is what I am dealing with. I had an amazing therapist that dealt with eating disorders. The tools and the skills are what helped me to make it this far and Prozac to keep me sane. For the first time in my life I understood why I had this problem and I learned how to keep it under control. I am 100% aware of what I am doing when I eat something I know is not on my food plan. I journal everything I eat each day and the calories should be kept to about 1500 per day. I have given up many foods since surgery. Some things I don’t even miss such as soda and fast food. It doesn’t taste good and I rather cook something fresh for myself just the way I like it. I also have total control over the calories. I have lost and gained the same 10 pounds in the last year. Some of which is fluid retention from one of my many health issues. Once I was put back on Lasix the fluid was gone. I have broken down in tears more than once in the last year. The struggle to eat the right things and not over eat. I wish I had never tried sugar after surgery. The first time I threw up right away so I avoided sugar for the first few years. In the last two years it has been a demon to me. I fight it daily and most of the time sugar wins and I loose which is also a gain of more weight. No one wins here and the war is never ending.

When I am sick I can’t eat, so of course I loose weight. I use to look forward to weeks and maybe months of not eating. It feels like I am not carrying that million pound rock on my back. I know it is sad that being sick so that I don’t over eat is ok with me. Anything to not binge eat is better than going through the mental battle. The food starts calling you. I look at the clock and see what time I last ate. I have to wait at least four hours between meals or I get sick still to this day. Does it stop me from eating things that I know will hurt me in the long run? No, it doesn’t when I am lost in that zone. Even after I eat what I think is going to be the perfect meal to make me happy that day it never is. Then the graze will begin. One piece of this and bite of that maybe some string cheese. I never know what it will be. We don’t eat processed food and we cook every meal. You would think that I would have no problem staying on track. Some days are better than others. Some days food is just something I know I need to do. On other days the war in my head is going on. The anxiety is so strong it takes over and I let it. I give in nine times out of ten. A few years ago I could stop myself with no problems. Now I go eat what ever the midnight snack will be then graze on and off till I go to sleep around 5am. There isn’t anything really bad here to eat but I make things up. I love cheese so the calories just keep adding up. I buy myself a chocolate bar and tell myself I wont eat it all tonight. I will have a little tonight and more the next night. Unless things are portioned controlled I just keep picking at it. I am tired of fighting with myself and having that feeling of self loathing when I eat something that isn’t good for me. The conversation is always the same one. I say no, my brain and my body say yes it wont hurt you. It could kill me but I eat it anyway. If there was a switch to shut off that section of my brain I would hit pause right away. Every single day I am thankful when I wake up. I promise myself that today will be better than yesterday. Some days it is some days it isn’t. I need to take back the control of this situation and get my food under control. This is the kind of stuff you need to know pre and post op. I am still in therapy and I am still a work in progress. I will fight the good fight till the very end. My hope in writing this was to let others who suffer from Binge Eating Disorder along with an addiction to food know you aren’t alone. We suffer in silence alone with our drug of choice which is Food. We are not alone and we need to reach out for some help.
MoMo Out!

The Restraining Order

On September 28, 2011 I went to the Court House and filed for a temporary restraining order. I had no idea how the process worked. They had aids that will help you fill out the paper work. After that you submit the papers and appear in Court before the Judge later that day. I told the judge that Derek Peter was threatening to kill me and my family. I showed the judge a copy of my phone records and had to play him the voice mail. The order was issued and now Derek had to be served. You take the papers to the Sheriff station which was located in the Court House. I handed them in and a week later found out that they could not serve him because I live in LA County and he lives in Orange County. I was truly afraid for my life and members of my family. He knows where my family lives, and he has met them all. My phone rang for days. If it wasn’t ringing it was a text message from Derek. I was so nervous I would jump when the phone rang. On the 27th when the nightmare began I called the Sheriff and they took a report. They told me to file the restraining order then they could do something about him calling and texting me non stop. I refused to change my number because of him. I just shut my phone off so I didn’t get his calls but that didn’t stop him from leaving voice mails. I woke up one morning to find my tire had been slashed. Below is the text message exchange between Derek and I. Let me remind you all that he was still living with Kathleen Divine as he was doing all of this and she knew about it.
------ SMS Text ------
From: 3108951731
Received: Sep 30, 2011 6:39 AM
Good mornin!
------ SMS Text ------
To: 3108951731
Sent: Sep 30, 2011 8:35 AM
Did you really waste gas money to slit my tires?
------ SMS Text ------
From: 3108951731
Received: Sep 30, 2011 8:36 AM
Nope, free!
------ SMS Text ------
To: 3108951731
Sent: Sep 30, 2011 8:39 AM
You are going to jail
------ SMS Text ------
From: 3108951731
Received: Sep 30, 2011 8:47 AM
Lol!
------ SMS Text ------
To: 3108951731
Sent: Sep 30, 2011 8:49 AM
I just called the cops
------ SMS Text ------
From: 3108951731
Received: Sep 30, 2011 8:50 AM
Ur family better stay out of my town!
------ SMS Text ------
To: 3108951731
Sent: Sep 30, 2011 8:50 AM
Are you still at the pier so they can arrest you?
------ SMS Text ------
To: 3108951731
Sent: Sep 30, 2011 8:51 AM
Oh now your afraid of my family? My mom who is sick from this stress. You are going to jail

Almost a week later the Sheriff department called me to pick up the restraining order because they couldn’t serve him in Orange county. I was forced to call Kathleen Divine and ask for some help. Kathleen told me that she asked Derek to leave and he refused to do so. I was told that when he came home from work his stuff was outside waiting for him. I was also told that he caused a scene and called the cops on Kathleen Divine for kicking him out early. He wasn’t kicked out early but the police made her pay him $200.00 for rent he said was due because she made him move out early. I was not there for any of this so I am only reporting what I was told by Kathleen. I do not know what is true or what is a lie from her anymore. The trust we once had as best friends was broken and lost as far as I was concerned. My nephews drove me down to Kathleen's place so that Ronnie aka the Crack Head was going to do the right thing and help me serve Derek. Derek still trusted Ronnie and he also wanted his pain pills that were left at Kathleen's house. The plan was made and Ronnie met Derek by the Pier in Newport Beach. I waited with my nephews at a near by restaurant till they called and said he had been served. Ronnie and Kathleen met us at the restaurant so that Ronnie could sign the paper that he had served Derek. I had to turn that into the Court house ASAP. Kathleen told Ronnie not to sign it unless I agreed to stay in OC till he violated the order so he could be arrested. Derek did just that within thirty minutes of being served. I called the Sheriff several times over the next couple of weeks. Every violation is a new case. Derek was so strung out on drugs that he thought the Detectives working the case were fake cops calling him.


On October 21, 2011 we were scheduled to go back to court. Derek didn’t show up and I went before the Judge. The Judge had to excuse herself from the case because she is friends with my parents. I was sent over to the other Court room and stood before a new Judge. I handed him a print out of all of the text messages and the CD’s with the voice mails on it. He told me to show him more proof so I was forced to play a voice mail that Derek left me and I was sick to my stomach. I was in a Court room full of complete strangers and they were listening to Derek verbally abuse and threaten me. I was granted a Restraining Order that is good for the next five years. I felt like I was going to throw up. I couldn’t believe that any of this was happening to me. I couldn’t believe that Kathleen Divine had picked Derek over me. The only reason she helped me is because she was afraid he would hurt her as well. I told her to also file a restraining order and she refused. Derek left trash in her mail box with a receipt from the purchase of an icepick. He also left a note saying the nigger will die. Derek started a complete rampage and lost what little mind he had left. Kathleen Divine’s fourth husband Mark Lambert is in prison for threatening to kill her. She knows what I was going through and they still thought I was over reacting. How could she condone the things that Derek was doing to me? How could she condone him and Fiona Hassan having sex across the hall from her? I have no answers to either of those questions. As I was leaving the court room a woman took my hand and told me to be careful. I thanked her for that moment of kindness. There are still people out there with some compassion for others.
------ SMS Text ------
From: 3108951731
Received: Sep 28, 2011 2:31 AM
Im just gettin started on u, cunt!
------ SMS Text ------
From: 3108951731
Received: Sep 28, 2011 2:43 AM
I have been fuk4n fifi in ur bed since the day u finally left us! Kat set it all up and its nice and clean pussy! Gr8 change from ur smell ass! Yum
Yes Derek took the time to send me that text message. He also left a voice mail admitting he slashed my tire. In November Derek was arrested and sentenced to 35 days and served only 4 due to over crowding. He was stalking me on Thanksgiving. He was outside of my house and left half smoked cigarettes at the end of my driveway. I know it was him due to the brand and we don’t smoke. Each case is processed one at a time. I have been waiting for the DA to issue his next warrant for the slashed tire. They have enough evidence with the text messages and the voice mails. The DA is dragging their feet and say they are backed up. This is why women are afraid to go to the Police for domestic violence. They don’t do anything till you are dead half of the time. I can assure you that I will survive and I will not give up till he is in jail for criminal threats. The local DA now knows me by name because I call her office weekly and both Detectives working the case also know me well. The system only works if you don’t give up. Lucky for Derek I am not going to let it go and will be here till it ends. The lies go so deep I have no clue how deep into this Kathleen was involved. I only write what I know happened to me and always show you the proof to back it up. I will not quit and anyone involved with him will also go down. Derek also had all of the oil drained out of my truck so it could kill the engine. He left the evidence in my driveway. I took the truck in and it was bone dry. I did not have a leak and they confirmed it was completely empty. He is such a Douche Bag. Needless to say it but I am not one of those woman who try to work it out and say, but I love him. Fuck Derek Peter, fuck Kathleen Divine and everyone that was involved in this. My life is not a joke you stupid bitches. In therapy I was told I am suffering from PTSD due to the trauma of these events that took place. This is very real and very serious. My life will never be the same again. Give me some time to pull this knife out of my back, it hit a nerve. 


PS. I received a call today from the detective working the Vandalism case and the DA has rejected the case. You can see Derek admits it via text and he also admitted it on a voice mail. I was assured by the detective that we had enough evidence to issue a warrant. If Derek were black he would still be in jail from the first time he was arrested in November 2011. I will be calling the DA’s office again tomorrow. All I have left to say is this is total bullshit. I guess I can go slash his tire, admit it and not go to jail. Yeah right! There are still two open cases left to go and because I am black when the officer took the report he or she put down that Derek is black. Two different officers and two different reports. Don’t even try and say that was an accident. The lead detective came to my house so that I could sign a document that had a copy of Derek’s drivers license in order to verify they had the right person. It is kind of funny that I wrote this Blog a couple of days ago and get a phone call today. I guess I was suppose to share this today. Free Black Derek!



MoMo Out!

The Douchebag

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.