Am I There Yet?

When I look back at my life ten years ago the memories are very sad. I weighed over 550 pounds. I was married to a feeder. I was home bound, bed bound and in a wheelchair to leave the house. The destruction that was done to my body is something I will never fully recover from. I had an offer from a doctor that I couldn't refuse when I decided to have Gastric Bypass Surgery. Even though I have lost 300 plus pounds my body still hates me for the past. I ended up with Lupus and we of course have no idea how long ago it started. It fills in all of the why’s as to my other health conditions. The doctors could never say to me it was all because I was fat. The truth is I had Lupus for at least fifteen years before they said for sure I had it. Most of the tests back then were inconclusive.

How does it feel to do all of this work and have people behave like it was just a walk in the park? I can tell you it isn't cool and really makes me mad. My fuse gets shorter every time I am insulted by a stranger who makes a comment about my weight. My eye doctor asked me why the weight loss surgery didn't work for me. I told him if he had read a bit further he would have seen that it worked very well with a 300 pound loss. But that’s not good enough and I was judged yet again. I made him feel stupid with a few comments of my own. I had the same thing happen when I went for a nurse visit to get my B-12 shot. I filed a complaint against her. She was way out of line and said why are you still so fat and you had surgery!..

I have worked so hard over the past seven years to lose the weight and keep it off. Who else do you know that has made it this long and not gained it back? Everyone I know has gained it back. I am terrified that it could happen to me one day. But I say to myself I have the tools and the training to stay on track. When I fall off the wagon I dust off and get right back on track. I am so tired of people telling me I am going to fail. I am tired of people telling me I am not good enough. I am tired of being judged. Last week I walked up into the face of a man who was staring at me with blatant disgust. I asked him if there was a reason why he was staring at me like that. I also asked if he had a problem with the way I look. He didn't respond and ran back to his car. I told you my fuse is short and I am sick of it. FYI people it has been seven almost eight years and I have NOT gained it back. The weight I did gain I lost it and then some more recently. I am only 24 pounds away from the new goal I made for myself. It is not the number on the scale that makes me smile. Being alive makes me smile. I am now a size happy. Just let me be happy and stop with the negative comments about weight loss surgery.

I am sorry for those who lost people to complications post op. I am sorry for the ones who lost the battle due to not being able to get any help. I am sorry for that person at home in bed not able to do anything for themselves. Your mind works fine but your body won’t let you walk more than a few steps. The food addiction is so far gone you don’t notice it anymore. I’m sorry that anyone has to ever go through any of the things I have experienced. I hope you know that you aren't alone and people do make it to the light at the end of the tunnel. I may not be able to walk without a cane anymore and need new knees and foot surgery, but I am happy to be alive. The physical pain I suffered to get here and the daily pain is no joke. Friends have told me they have no idea how I survived. I survived because I wanted to live. I have a family and friends who love me and need me. I am a survivor period and will never quit.
MoMo Out!

Random Losers and The Douchebag of the Week #4

 

Harun Reed ·

• hands look like over 40 lmao
• Saturday at 4:47pm ·
• Monique

Piss off Harun Reed. You're a douche, black don't crack. Delete!!! I haven't been on FB for days other than to upload these pics. I don't care what he thinks. I am happy to have both hands and all of my fingers.
25 minutes ago ·
Raj Singh
wash dc here can we chat?

• u wanna make some extra cash?
  
• how tall are ya?

andy pies

• hi hows you?
• nice pic
  
• uk here hope ok
  
• andy pies how are you??

Bout Victor Anna
11:19am

• Hello dear My name is Anna and i seek for true friendship and partner and i viewer your profile get interested in you, and if possible you write to my vie email so we can know each order very well! have a nice day Anna, annavictor002@yahoo.com
• Monique: I never replied to Anna which I am sure was some sort of fraud.

Sam

• you are hot
• im sam
  
• 25 m tx
  
• like to chat?
  
• i love choco bbw
  
• 1:46 AM

thatswhatshesaid

• hey sexy 3:08 AM

Me

• hi who are you?

thatswhatshesaid

• just a perv tht likes sexy blk bbes

thatswhatshesaid

• bbw

Me

• not into pervs

andy pies

• hi hows you?

andy pies

• nice pic

andy pies

• uk here hope ok

andy pies

• work at stables here

Umra Khan Bhai

• thx xxx
• hey do you want 100 dollar then i give you through a money exchange but you show me dance like a full body are you ready for this show now

10:28pm
Biggirl Gear

piss off
 Umra Khan Bhai

• what?
• i cant understand what are u saying?
• and dear i give you within 5 minutes ok

10:29pm
Biggirl Gear

How about this one, Fuck off
 Umra Khan Bhai

• dear through a western union i give you and i fuck you on cam live and you fune with me and show me right simple
• and u just easily want this victory
• ? now ready for this ?

• Conversation started April 22
• Benjamin Parker
  
  Hi Monique,
  I've read your reaction to my comment, when i told you your arms where, for my point of view, very attractive. If by some way i hurted you i sincerely apologise. I didn't think i could hurt you just by telling this...but it's a fact, and i'm sincerely sorry about it...
  Hope you a great day, and hope you'll have success for your plans....
  Benjamin
  
• April 23
• 
  3:17am
  Benjamin Parker
  
  Hi Monique,
  Yesterday i told you your arms where, for my view, splendid has they actually are. You had a strong reaction that, in a way, I can’t really understand. But I was, and I still am, sorry to disturb you so much for such a little thing… You dare to delete me if I still told you how much I love your arms. I decided to stop our friendship on facebook. I totally respect you, but I can’t support this kind of reaction. I want a free world where I can be myself, not a false and hypocrisis world where I have to simulate conformity. I am fed up to lie to girls when I have to told them what attract me with them is their eyes (in fact it’s their arms, their boobs,…) and many men are in the same situation than me: they just couldn’t tell the truth, or they’ll have to assume a girl with nervous crisis for a long time… And after that, girls are deceipted when the men goes away after a few time… Why ? Because of the false, the lack of sincerity, of reality in the relationship… I dream of sincerity, reality, tolerance, and most of the time I see conformity, normativity, censure and false…. The BBW movment was, in his beginning, a real hope for me, the promise of a real world breaking all this falseness… now some of his members wants to be as the social prescription ask, skinny and no fat… I am so disappointed about this… Did the real world lost the game ? I hope you the best, but I think we don’t have anything more to share…
  Benjamin
  
• April 24
• MoMo
  
  LOL I had to laugh after I read this. I am glad you chose to delete yourself. You have no idea how hard I worked to lose 300 pounds then the doctors leave me incomplete. I will always be fat and I am fine with that. I just need to be comfortable in my own body. Right now I am not comfortable with the extra skin hanging and hurting me. Did you bother to read the Blog story and see the photo of my arm cut open because it was caught under a sharp edge. Being cut, burned while cooking and not being able to find a winter coat to fit my arms isn't fun or sexy to me in any way. I have no idea what we shared at all. After reading this note I can see you were only my friend on FB to look at my fat in my photos. For that shame on you. I am a person with real feelings and you don't care about my feelings so deleting yourself was the right thing to do.
  
• April 25
• Benjamin Parker
  
  I'm very happy if you laugh when you read me. But i'm sorry that you unfortunately doesn't understand at all. I've been many times to your blogs and i consider you as a human been with feelings, thinkings, and things to tell and to share. But why do you want to opposite feelings and body ? it's the old occidental way of thinking, bringing opposition between the material body and the soul (feelings, thinkings,...). I consider you've suffer a lot with your body, and i respect you when you want to solve this problems. But why been so aggressive just because someone tell you such a little thing, yes your arms are sexy and i doesn't see the problem when i told that...why threathen me like that ? Why this bad reaction ? I'll be happy for you if you solve your problem by any way which you consider the best. I never see anybody only as fat, even if i'm attracted by fat peoples i'll never consider somebody to be only fat, and every human has feelings and is an important and interesting being... But it will be very hypocritical to ignore the body, humans are both souls and body and you can't ignore this. I hope my e-mail will make you laugh one more time, i'll be very happy if it does. But i also hope you'll understand a little bit....
  
• April 25
• MoMo
  
  I was in a bad mood from hearing it over and over. As you know you aren't the only one that said the same thing. This experience is long, hard and very emotional. The threat was not towards you. I deleted the person the comment was for. So now you see you over reacted as well by unfriending me. 

Game over and I have had nothing more to say to Benjamin Parker since this last conversation. Meeting people who only want me for my fat is a huge turn off. He knows something is wrong so he lies to the women in his life. Did Ben truly think he had found fattopia by joining the BBW Community? The man lives out of the USA and plays on line with women in America. If he truly wanted a BBW as his soul mate, wife, BFF he would work towards meeting them. So far all he is doing is looking at fat and boobs on line while jerking off to strangers who just happen to be BBW’s. The truth is most men on the internet looking at BBW sites and random video clips etc, aren’t really looking for love. They are just a bunch of perverts on the internet. Real men make an effort to pick up the phone and call. Don’t bother texting, don’t you want to hear each others voices? Don’t you want to spend real time with that person? Not on Skype either. Where are the real men at? I know you can’t all be gay, married, dead or a combo of all three. I blocked Ben so he can’t contact me again. I did however save his photo since he is the Douchebag of the week #4. Congrats Ben you made the cut.
MoMo Out!

Dreams Do Come True

When I was a child everyone said stop eating so much extra food. I wasn’t because my mom fixed our plates for dinner. What I was doing was having a love affair with the Hostess Bakery and the local doughnut shop. It took me most of my life to get a clue what food was doing to me. When you open that first pack of Zingers, then move onto the cupcakes the rush from the sugar was like a drug. In the last seven years I have struggled and fought as hard as I can to live a new life. My new life isn’t the dream I had when I use to say “One day I will lose weight to make my parents happy.”

I was living in a world full of food comas and delusions. Once I was an adult I said I was going to get down to a respectable weight for my own body. I had no special number in mind. Next came the dream of me walking in high heels while wearing a sexy black dress and a lacy thong. I was going to attend a party and be the bell of the ball after some miracle weight loss took place. I had a much more active life after I lost weight in some ways. But the dream was just a dream. My knees are in such bad shape that my doctor asked me how I can even walk on them.
Every step is pain. Every step of the weight loss process is pain. When my food was no longer my drug I freaked out. In the last seven years I have had lots of therapy to learn how to control my eating disorder and food addiction. I have good days and bad days. The bad days come with consequences. My surgery still works. I still throw up and still have ass on fire from the wrong foods.

My dreams of having a normal life slowly fades away. My list of illness’s scare my doctor, so I a sure John Doe isn’t interested in me. Dating me is a project. Weeks or months go by and I am fine. Next thing you know I could be in the hospital close to death. How do I explain that to someone I want to be in a relationship with? Men run scared when they find out. I have my family all around me, but a man in my life would be nice to have again. I have taken a two year break after the psycho stalker ex has been out of my life.

How do I learn to trust again? How do I sit through the lies and BS they spew at you? How do I pretend I am interested in his paint ball wins? I hate dating, HATE it! If I could go to a match maker I would. Till then I will dream of Mr. Right. Will he ride in on a white horse and throw his cape down so I don’t step in the mud? Will he let me be me and understand my craziness? Who knows this is just a dream for now.

I am still a work in progress. Lots of my dreams have come true. I made them happen and fought hard for them to happen. I am thankful for my life and all of the people who helped me get here. The haters still hate, but the best revenge is living well. Romeo where the hell are you, I’m getting impatient. That’s the Scorpio in me.
MoMo Out!

Goodbye Wings

The phone call came in and we are set with a surgery date. I had everything in order, even made a new Will. Things the week before surgery were hectic with lab work and several pre-op visits. The surgery was postponed for a week due to a schedule error. It gave me more time, but I was so anxious. I was off my Prozac and Xanax so I was a crazy bitch pre-op. My cousin was visiting out of the blue. Nothing felt like it was in place. I felt out of control and had no way to let go of the need to control any and everything that has to do with me. My dream was coming true. I felt like at any moment the rug was going to be pulled from under me. I was afraid something would sabotage it. I had so many emotions I was going to explode.

The surgery was done where the rich and famous go to the hospital in Beverly Hills. In pre-op they couldn’t find a good vein. Mine are small and like to roll. Everyone tried, now my hands and feet now have track marks. They had a cool machine to find your veins, but with every stick mine roll. I was taken into the OR with no IV and nothing to calm me down pre-op. Good thing this isn't my first time at the Rodeo. The IV was placed in my neck. Once in the OR the Anesthesiologist leaned the table back pressed on my neck wham bam IV in. They start to position me, arrange the oxygen mask, asked if I wanted music playing then I am waking up in post-op. A three hour surgery took five hours to do on me. It was amazing to wake up and I thanked God for that one. Total skin removed was 12 pounds.

My Mom and cousin were there all day. Other family members came and went. My brother who arranged this for me did the night shift with me. He stayed late talking with me about everything. The pain was a 10 post-op so they had me on a pain meds machine. Every 8 minutes you can push the button. I had zero use of my arms. I couldn’t even scratch the tip on my nose. My brother spent the night wiping my forehead, nose, eyes as I cried from the pain at some points. He was there for me and it felt great to have him there. He really went above and beyond on this on.

I was in the hospital for three days maybe four, still hazy from pain meds. Nothing is ever just over night for me. The first day home I fell and the paramedics had to come lift me out of the drive way. I had just gotten out of the car, sat on a walker but the brakes weren’t all the way on. It rolled and I went with it. It was over 100 degrees, I am hot, in pain and sitting on the driveway. No way to use my arms and you can’t pull them or even touch them. Bandaged from shoulder to wrist they were unclear till I mentioned using a sheet to lift me to my feet. It worked and I was up then straight to bed.

I seriously wanted to smack my dad for yelling at me for falling down. He says he was trying to tell me how to get up. I call bullshit and cut off communication till I felt better. My mom is exhausted and worried about me all the time. I don’t heal well as we know from all of my major surgeries. I developed a huge blood clot and it busted open my arm pit a few days later. Back at the doctors office he was able to milk it out as he called it. I woke up in a pile a blood that morning so I knew something was wrong. Wound care began the next day. At least my favorite nurse who has been there for me during all of my wound care was still working and my nurse again. She is my wound whisperer. Along with being kind, caring, compassionate, she is an amazing person and nurse.

We are at the 52 day mark post op and the healing is happening much faster than ever thought. One arm should be closed up soon. Having Lupus makes everything harder and takes longer for me. I have no regrets and plan to play this journey out till the end. I guess the no pain no gain would apply here. My thighs are next and I have no idea if I can do one more surgery. More to come stay tuned.

MoMo Out!

Neck IV

Post Op

Wound Vac was painful

Wing Surgery Time

It’s after 2am on May 17, 2013 and we have no power. Over 12 hours ago there was an accident and a car ran into the grid for my entire neighborhood. I hope they are alive but I am annoyed to be sitting here in the dark. I have two different scented candles burning and fighting one another to see who will be the dominant scent in the room. I can’t sleep without white noise. No power, no fan, no TV and no light to even read a book. I do how ever have enough power on my laptop to write. My life has been a rollercoaster for so long I have no idea when the ride will end. Where do I get off? How do I get away from the madness, illness, sadness? In my mind I had dreams of what weight loss would bring into my life. It did not work out the way I had dreamed.

Before I had weight loss surgery I knew about the skin. The skin scared me more than death. If I die during surgery I won’t know it even happened. I will be completely sedated and out of this world. Any fear I have ever had about any surgery was the what if. That only lasted after the first surgery. I have had many so I am a vet at the rodeo. I will have my next surgery to remove my wings next week. I cried when I received the call. It has been a long and very hard 7 years. I still have no regrets about my choices. I woke up today thinking I have to write a new Will and make sure everything is written down and that my Mom knows every password, code, pin number etc. All because of the just in case factor.

One of my biggest dreams is coming true. I won’t allow myself to do the happy dance till I wake up in post-op. What will life be like without the wings? I am looking forward to less pain from the extra skin. I am looking forward to being able to buy something with sleeves. I would love a new coat with big buttons for next winter. I don’t care about the scares. Scares show signs of battles fought and won. I will of course have some amazing tattoo added to my collection to celebrate my new arms. I wonder if people will still stare at me as I walk by? Will I fit in more with what society wants from me? LOL as if I cared what they think. If I spent my time on that I would still be lost and trapped in my old body or dead by now. My new life is harder in different ways. The judgment of strangers never goes away. They see me they see fat.

They have no clue what I have done, where I have been, and what I have given up just to be alive. It must be nice for them to live in a glass house. By now you know I have opened all of the windows and doors in my house. That’s the only way change happens. I have had ups and downs. All I hope for now is a successful surgery, fast recovery, zero wound care, no infections and of course to live. I can’t believe in less than a week I am moving onto the next chapter of my life. All part of me being a work in progress. Haters keep on hating, you just thinking about me makes me stronger. Friends, family and all of my supporters thanks for living this with me. I love you all.

MoMo Out!

Size Acceptance

Self acceptance

Self acceptance is being loving and happy with who you are now. It’s an agreement with yourself to appreciate, validate, accept and support who you are at this moment.

For example, think of acceptance of yourself like being okay with your house right now. One day you might want a bigger house or you have this dream house in your mind, but there are advantages to your smaller home now. So you can be happy with the house you have now and still dream of your bigger house as a reality later.

Self acceptance leads to a new life with new possibilities that did not exist before because you were caught up in the struggle against reality. People have trouble accepting themselves because of a lack of motivation. Some have the misconception that if you are happy with yourself you won’t change things about yourself. This isn’t true; you don’t have to be unhappy with yourself to know and actively change things you don’t like.

According to Wikipedia the above is the meaning of self acceptance. How many people do you personally know that truly have self acceptance? I for one can admit I don’t know any. People say one thing and mean another. One minute they love their body the next they are altering it. No judgment from me at all when it comes to making changes to your body, life or anything else you are not happy with. Inside of the Size Acceptance community lies many subcultures. There is fat on fat bigotry. You may not be fat enough for one person or too fat for another. We embrace the community at first because we think we have found the lost city of gold. Once inside you find out it has just as much dysfunction as a twisted family. They will judge you for making changes to your own body. Like I always say, My body My choice!

You find yourself at functions where you can be with people you have things in common with. What you end up with if you aren’t careful is being used, exploited, degraded, emotionally abused and even bullied by others within the safe zone. Back in the days of the great NAAFA Convention that everyone waited all year for were many sub-divisions. I was a super size BBW back then and at NAAFA those were the women in the highest demand. The midsize BBW’s as they were once called were treated poorly by the super size women. I was even guilty of this mistreatment once by asking someone smaller why they were there. The smaller BBW’s had hell to pay for not being big enough. They come to a place who's name spells out The National American Association of Fat Acceptance, yet we were unable to welcome others of all sizes. The times may have changed but the behavior is still the same.

Remember that place that claimed to be the one and only Size Acceptance club in OC? You already know, even if you haven’t already experienced it first hand, that the promoter is a fat hater. She hates her own body and loves to be able to say she is the smallest one in the building. What kind of person uses others to make themselves feel better about their own flaws? I will let you all answer that question for yourself. There is so much hate, judgment, belittling, backstabbing, gossiping, recycling of men going on who has the time for the real meaning of acceptance. If you cant accept yourself how can you accept others. Plenty of denial lies within our community. My good friend use to say “We are just a bunch of sick people trying to get well”. Or was that just an excuse for the mistreatment of others within our very own safe zone.

By now you know it is not a safe zone in any way. By now you know which men troll in the background and have you as his back door woman. If you haven’t met his friends or family and he only comes over late at night than he doesn’t really accept you. He could be dealing with his own self-esteem issues so he thinks he can only get a fat chick to sleep with him. Ladies don’t play into the stereo types that fat women are only good for sex or blow jobs in parking lots. Have some self respect and learn to say “hell no, I am worth more than an $8.00 drink” before you put out. It would take years to share all of the things I have seen within our very community. I know for sure we aren’t united or one big happy family in any way. Once upon a time it may have had the shine of that big red apple, but now it’s more like a raisin in the sun. My friends and I look back and think about those good old days. The traveling to different conventions all over the USA. Making new friends, meeting new people, real people not the slimy variety. Endless good times and lots of good memories.

Those good old days are coming back and changes are being made within our very community..That is If you all decide to support our community instead of letting it fall apart around us, otherwise we will have no community at all to speak of. We need to seriously revive this bitch and make it better for everyone involved. Make it new and shiny again so it will attract good people who really want to change history. It doesn’t always have to repeat itself. Do your part and support your local vendors, clubs, parties and anything else positive going on in your area. Start with Big Girl Gear Plus & Super Plus Size Fashion. Family owned and operated here since 1996 and still kicking shop 24/7 at www.biggirlgear.com 

MoMo Out!

Back in the day. 

 

My Wings

For the last year I have been going back and fourth with my insurance company. All of my doctors agree that the wings as I call them need to go. The wings being the extra skin that hangs from my arms due to my weight loss. But the big bosses say it isn’t covered. It is considered cosmetic. I have already had the surgery to remove the extra skin which use to be my belly. That was covered. Once I lost weight it was like caring around a bag of rocks in my pants. It would enter the room before I did due to it’s massiveness and the swing as I walked. My close girl friends and I use to joke about it, but it really was a huge burden to carry around. Once removed it weighed in at thirty pounds. I was promised that my arms would be done after I recovered from this surgery. Everything went well then fourteen days later an infection set in. I was sick for almost a year. It was a flesh eating bacteria and the photos made me cry. I was being eaten alive and had a hole in the middle of my tummy. The surgery site burst open and here comes the next year of wound care. Wound vacs, wound nurses, gauze, medical tape, wound gel, alcohol swabs, sponges, sterile q-tips. The tape takes off a layer of your skin every time you have to clean and change the wound.

In order to treat the infection I was on IV antibiotics. I would go to the infusion clinic and sit with the people doing there chemotherapy. Later they put in a pick line so I was hooked up to a machine that would  give me the antibiotics instead of being poked daily. I was down to 285 pounds, my lowest. I was sick and felt like I was going to die. I have no idea why it has to be so complicated when I have surgery. Would I do both surgeries again? Yes, 100% yes. It was hell on earth but it was all part of my journey. I need to lose 47 pounds to be where I want to be. Once there I will have my arms done come hell or high water. I never quit and I never give up on myself. I was extremely distracted for the last year with my own drama. Busy being stalked and abused by people who said they loved me. I will not let that happen to me again. I am almost to the finish line, my finish line. Not the finish line the doctors think I should be at. I just want to be comfortable with my new body.

I do not enjoy pulling a casserole out of the oven and burning my arms. I do not enjoy reaching for something as simple as a pen and hitting myself in the face when the skin came flying. So many things they don’t’ tell you that will become a huge part of your life post Gastric Bypass Surgery. It wouldn’t change my decision to have the surgery. I am seven years post op and still alive. Alive is the best thing I could have hoped for post op. I have my family behind me 100% from day one. I thank God for the most wonderful mother on the planet being my wound care nurse between RN visits. My life has never been easy. It has always been a fight to get things done. It took me three years to be approved for the Gastric Bypass because I was a high risk. I was going to die with or without it. I rolled the dice and took my chances. I am happy I have been able to keep it off minus the 20 pounds I gained. All I can do is keep moving forward. I am back on track and the binge eating is under control for now. I have small moments, then end up puking from a bad decision. There are still consequences for my actions. My tool still works for me. Wish me luck on getting my wings removed. I know I will get it done some way some how. I need to feel complete. I need this done for me and only me. I feel unfinished, but I will fix that.
MoMo Out!
The wings up close and personal.


Cut open wing skin was caught under a jagged edge

Belly staples after they removed skin. It was almost perfect.

There is no hiding the wings.