It’s after 2am on May 17, 2013 and we have no power. Over 12 hours ago there was an accident and a car ran into the grid for my entire neighborhood. I hope they are alive but I am annoyed to be sitting here in the dark. I have two different scented candles burning and fighting one another to see who will be the dominant scent in the room. I can’t sleep without white noise. No power, no fan, no TV and no light to even read a book. I do how ever have enough power on my laptop to write. My life has been a rollercoaster for so long I have no idea when the ride will end. Where do I get off? How do I get away from the madness, illness, sadness? In my mind I had dreams of what weight loss would bring into my life. It did not work out the way I had dreamed.
Before I had weight loss surgery I knew about the skin. The skin scared me more than death. If I die during surgery I won’t know it even happened. I will be completely sedated and out of this world. Any fear I have ever had about any surgery was the what if. That only lasted after the first surgery. I have had many so I am a vet at the rodeo. I will have my next surgery to remove my wings next week. I cried when I received the call. It has been a long and very hard 7 years. I still have no regrets about my choices. I woke up today thinking I have to write a new Will and make sure everything is written down and that my Mom knows every password, code, pin number etc. All because of the just in case factor.
One of my biggest dreams is coming true. I won’t allow myself to do the happy dance till I wake up in post-op. What will life be like without the wings? I am looking forward to less pain from the extra skin. I am looking forward to being able to buy something with sleeves. I would love a new coat with big buttons for next winter. I don’t care about the scares. Scares show signs of battles fought and won. I will of course have some amazing tattoo added to my collection to celebrate my new arms. I wonder if people will still stare at me as I walk by? Will I fit in more with what society wants from me? LOL as if I cared what they think. If I spent my time on that I would still be lost and trapped in my old body or dead by now. My new life is harder in different ways. The judgment of strangers never goes away. They see me they see fat.
They have no clue what I have done, where I have been, and what I have given up just to be alive. It must be nice for them to live in a glass house. By now you know I have opened all of the windows and doors in my house. That’s the only way change happens. I have had ups and downs. All I hope for now is a successful surgery, fast recovery, zero wound care, no infections and of course to live. I can’t believe in less than a week I am moving onto the next chapter of my life. All part of me being a work in progress. Haters keep on hating, you just thinking about me makes me stronger. Friends, family and all of my supporters thanks for living this with me. I love you all.
MoMo Out!
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