Wing Surgery Time

It’s after 2am on May 17, 2013 and we have no power. Over 12 hours ago there was an accident and a car ran into the grid for my entire neighborhood. I hope they are alive but I am annoyed to be sitting here in the dark. I have two different scented candles burning and fighting one another to see who will be the dominant scent in the room. I can’t sleep without white noise. No power, no fan, no TV and no light to even read a book. I do how ever have enough power on my laptop to write. My life has been a rollercoaster for so long I have no idea when the ride will end. Where do I get off? How do I get away from the madness, illness, sadness? In my mind I had dreams of what weight loss would bring into my life. It did not work out the way I had dreamed.

Before I had weight loss surgery I knew about the skin. The skin scared me more than death. If I die during surgery I won’t know it even happened. I will be completely sedated and out of this world. Any fear I have ever had about any surgery was the what if. That only lasted after the first surgery. I have had many so I am a vet at the rodeo. I will have my next surgery to remove my wings next week. I cried when I received the call. It has been a long and very hard 7 years. I still have no regrets about my choices. I woke up today thinking I have to write a new Will and make sure everything is written down and that my Mom knows every password, code, pin number etc. All because of the just in case factor.

One of my biggest dreams is coming true. I won’t allow myself to do the happy dance till I wake up in post-op. What will life be like without the wings? I am looking forward to less pain from the extra skin. I am looking forward to being able to buy something with sleeves. I would love a new coat with big buttons for next winter. I don’t care about the scares. Scares show signs of battles fought and won. I will of course have some amazing tattoo added to my collection to celebrate my new arms. I wonder if people will still stare at me as I walk by? Will I fit in more with what society wants from me? LOL as if I cared what they think. If I spent my time on that I would still be lost and trapped in my old body or dead by now. My new life is harder in different ways. The judgment of strangers never goes away. They see me they see fat.

They have no clue what I have done, where I have been, and what I have given up just to be alive. It must be nice for them to live in a glass house. By now you know I have opened all of the windows and doors in my house. That’s the only way change happens. I have had ups and downs. All I hope for now is a successful surgery, fast recovery, zero wound care, no infections and of course to live. I can’t believe in less than a week I am moving onto the next chapter of my life. All part of me being a work in progress. Haters keep on hating, you just thinking about me makes me stronger. Friends, family and all of my supporters thanks for living this with me. I love you all.

MoMo Out!

Size Acceptance

Self acceptance

Self acceptance is being loving and happy with who you are now. It’s an agreement with yourself to appreciate, validate, accept and support who you are at this moment.

For example, think of acceptance of yourself like being okay with your house right now. One day you might want a bigger house or you have this dream house in your mind, but there are advantages to your smaller home now. So you can be happy with the house you have now and still dream of your bigger house as a reality later.

Self acceptance leads to a new life with new possibilities that did not exist before because you were caught up in the struggle against reality. People have trouble accepting themselves because of a lack of motivation. Some have the misconception that if you are happy with yourself you won’t change things about yourself. This isn’t true; you don’t have to be unhappy with yourself to know and actively change things you don’t like.

According to Wikipedia the above is the meaning of self acceptance. How many people do you personally know that truly have self acceptance? I for one can admit I don’t know any. People say one thing and mean another. One minute they love their body the next they are altering it. No judgment from me at all when it comes to making changes to your body, life or anything else you are not happy with. Inside of the Size Acceptance community lies many subcultures. There is fat on fat bigotry. You may not be fat enough for one person or too fat for another. We embrace the community at first because we think we have found the lost city of gold. Once inside you find out it has just as much dysfunction as a twisted family. They will judge you for making changes to your own body. Like I always say, My body My choice!

You find yourself at functions where you can be with people you have things in common with. What you end up with if you aren’t careful is being used, exploited, degraded, emotionally abused and even bullied by others within the safe zone. Back in the days of the great NAAFA Convention that everyone waited all year for were many sub-divisions. I was a super size BBW back then and at NAAFA those were the women in the highest demand. The midsize BBW’s as they were once called were treated poorly by the super size women. I was even guilty of this mistreatment once by asking someone smaller why they were there. The smaller BBW’s had hell to pay for not being big enough. They come to a place who's name spells out The National American Association of Fat Acceptance, yet we were unable to welcome others of all sizes. The times may have changed but the behavior is still the same.

Remember that place that claimed to be the one and only Size Acceptance club in OC? You already know, even if you haven’t already experienced it first hand, that the promoter is a fat hater. She hates her own body and loves to be able to say she is the smallest one in the building. What kind of person uses others to make themselves feel better about their own flaws? I will let you all answer that question for yourself. There is so much hate, judgment, belittling, backstabbing, gossiping, recycling of men going on who has the time for the real meaning of acceptance. If you cant accept yourself how can you accept others. Plenty of denial lies within our community. My good friend use to say “We are just a bunch of sick people trying to get well”. Or was that just an excuse for the mistreatment of others within our very own safe zone.

By now you know it is not a safe zone in any way. By now you know which men troll in the background and have you as his back door woman. If you haven’t met his friends or family and he only comes over late at night than he doesn’t really accept you. He could be dealing with his own self-esteem issues so he thinks he can only get a fat chick to sleep with him. Ladies don’t play into the stereo types that fat women are only good for sex or blow jobs in parking lots. Have some self respect and learn to say “hell no, I am worth more than an $8.00 drink” before you put out. It would take years to share all of the things I have seen within our very community. I know for sure we aren’t united or one big happy family in any way. Once upon a time it may have had the shine of that big red apple, but now it’s more like a raisin in the sun. My friends and I look back and think about those good old days. The traveling to different conventions all over the USA. Making new friends, meeting new people, real people not the slimy variety. Endless good times and lots of good memories.

Those good old days are coming back and changes are being made within our very community..That is If you all decide to support our community instead of letting it fall apart around us, otherwise we will have no community at all to speak of. We need to seriously revive this bitch and make it better for everyone involved. Make it new and shiny again so it will attract good people who really want to change history. It doesn’t always have to repeat itself. Do your part and support your local vendors, clubs, parties and anything else positive going on in your area. Start with Big Girl Gear Plus & Super Plus Size Fashion. Family owned and operated here since 1996 and still kicking shop 24/7 at www.biggirlgear.com 

MoMo Out!

Back in the day.