Random Conversations

Mom: You know you don’t give a shit what the scale says as long as you’re alive! Excuse my French.
Me: True, can’t argue with you there. But I am still pissed that it says I gained 30 pounds in the last two month.
Mom: You know it is fluid retention and your thyroid issue.
Me: That mixed with my addiction to sugar aka my version of crack.
Mom: Crack kills.
Me: I know :/.. lol
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Me: Hello Father.
Dad: Hello Daughter.
Myself: That was a complete conversation that we have almost daily. Last summer we spent hours talking every night on the porch. Daddy loves me and kept me safe during the entire Derek drama. This summer my mind is in another place. Daddy still hangs on the porch just without me this summer till “I” find myself.
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Me: Looking in the mirror and talking to myself. Do I look fat?
Myself: You are fat but you look good anyway.
Me: Or you could be bloated. Why am I sucking it in to button my jeans?
Myself: OMG yep you’re fat MoMo.
Me: Teddy does Mama look fat? Bark once for yes twice for no. LOL don’t judge I am not the only person who talks out loud when I get ready.
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Me: I want something sweet.
Food: Well you always have choices.
Myself: Taking a mental inventory of all of the sweets in the house and thinking about the secret stash for emergencies.
Food: Wait you ate all of the cookies yesterday and there is no more secret stash per your instructions.
Me: WTF, why did I go through sugar detox? I make it a few weeks then fall of the wagon. Soon I won’t fit in my wagon again. Then what?
Myself: Do you want to be trapped inside of yourself, immobile, house bound and bed bound again?
Food: That was then things have changed you can afford the extra calories. You can just give up one thing to get that cookie.
Me: Seriously food get off my back. You know you’re my crack.
Food: Why do you resist me? Just eat me and enjoy the rush.
Me: Eating the sugar and going into that other place where you eat alone.  Nothing matters at all right now. 
Myself: Nothing you have learned about mindful eating matters right now. Lets just pray the scale won’t tell on you.
Me: You know it will. Silence.
Food: Food wins again.
Me: Shame, self loathing, self hate for lack of control.
Myself: Mo, so that you can feel better bullshit yourself and say tomorrow will be a better day.
Me: It won’t, but let’s just say it so me, myself and I feel better.
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Me: Hi, how are you doing?
Lunch Lady: Check out my shirt. It says “I am not a raciest I hate everyone”. I work at a school so I can’t wear it to work.
Me: I read the shirt and give the laugh I was forced to give.
Lunch Lady: The kids at school are bad ass kids. I’m white but I grew up in Inglewood so I can throw down. The kids think because I am white I can’t fight.
Myself: The lunch lady for some reason thinks I am black because of the color of my skin. I was always the only black kid in a white neighborhood.
Me: I have never been to the hood.
Lunch Lady: Really girlfriend? You should go, there are some fine brothers in Inglewood.
Me: I don’t think I am ready for a man from the hood. I don’t even fry chicken or eat watermelon lol.
Lunch Lady: Girlfriend you are so funny.
Mom: Here is your dress, your receipt is in the bag. See you soon.
Lunch Lady: See you soon.
Myself: Why do people assume that all black people are from the hood? I am from the Caribbean, the West Indies. So that makes me West Indian. I am sure somewhere down the blood line my people were sold as slaves and that is how we ended up in the Virgin Islands. Growing sugar cane and making Rum. I am not looking for a thug. Thanks but no thanks. But I kept my thoughts to myself.
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Me: I am going to the Dentist so that I can be over charged and tortured all at the same time.
Dentist: Hi, how have you been?
Me: I’m good till you tell me how much for todays visit…lol I have a chipped tooth. Please don’t tell me it needs a crown.
Dentist: You do spend lots of money on your mouth and you have a beautiful smile to prove it…lol
Me: Charm doesn’t help me at $400.00 per crown, so do the best you can to avoid it.
Dentist: I can fill it, book it for the next visit.
Me: Thanks, this will be the cheapest visit yet.
Receptionist: Ok Monique a regular filling is $40.00 but the white filling that doesn’t contain anything that can cause Cancer is $80.00
Myself: They always fuck you without lube one way or another.
Me: Let’s go for the white filling. I don’t need to put something else into my body to speed up my impending death. Who knows I might die before I pay all of these Dental bills.
Receptionist: You’re always so funny.
Myself: Humor, Valium, Pain meds and some Kush before each visit makes it all less painful.
Me: Thanks, see you next week.
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Kathleen Divine: Text: Answer the phone, I know you just saw me call you twice.
Me: Text: Don’t want to talk I am way to pissed off at you right now.
Kathleen Divine: I am calling you anyway. What’s wrong? Why do you hate me?
Me: Really, are you seriously asking me what’s wrong?
Kathleen Divine : Can’t you remember any of the good times we had? Hate me all you want but I will remember the good times.
Me: I will let you know when I remember the good times. So far the only thing coming to my mind is the fact that you still owe me thousands of dollars and my ex is living with you.
Kathleen Divine: I know now that wasn’t a good plan.
Me: Ya think! I am done done done.
Myself: We had good times when you were a human being that had compassion for others. Before you started thinking only about yourself and how you could trap people into being domestic slaves. You know that shit didn’t fly with me. Now that the blinders are off I see you for who you really are. What I see is not good Kathleen Divine. You are no longer a good person nor do I know if you ever were. Thank God Morgan was able to take my place as the token black friend. Fiona is now your married BFF lovingly know as the dirty whore who slept with my ex. Shit happens Mo and you are moving on.
Kathleen: Are you going to hate me forever?
Me: I never said I hated you. If I hated you, I would make sure I told you first. End of conversation.
MoMo Out!